Sunday, October 07, 2007

How Shocking!

Ok - I figured it out. While lying on my bed crying and going over everything I've done today to be "good" and asking "GOD" to take care of my kids, I realized what I felt like.

Have you ever been shocked? I was, when I was 8 or 9 or 10 - don't remember exactly - but I was helping my Dad paint the garage and I was responsible for taking the switch plates off the walls. That's when I got myself - the screw driver slipped right into the socket and gave me a jolt. I didn't realize what it was - when I did it again - I realized... I just got shocked (twice). I still can't describe the feeling exactly, a sudden rush of pain and lack of control that surges through the body but then goes away as quickly as it came.

THAT is what I've been experiencing. It's different from the electric shock feeling I get when I bend my neck forward. That one - and yes, I fear that feeling, that one just surges through one side of my body.

This feeling, it seems to be generating from my CORE - that's all I can think - Like a wire of energy surging out through my middle - but seems to be triggering more shock on my right side.

I went for a deep tissue massage today and it was really good - painful, but I felt like my shoulders were finally relaxing a bit. When I got home my husband, kids and step-kids had cleaned up the house and my husband was still vacuuming. I was so grateful. Then the vacuum broke. And Bill just kvetched the entire time, "I HATE THIS THING, I've always hated this thing..." yada, yada, yada. I was so calm, I told him I agreed, that Consumer Reports had the ratings for Vacuums in a recent issues, so I looked it up and said, "I'm going to go buy this one."

I was relaxed, I even gave the power nozzle, which is what broke, to Bill and said, 'Take it outside and beat the crap out of it, it will make you feel better." Then I had my step-son take the rest of the vacuum down to our basement so we can still use the working parts down there.
Then I left for the mall. I knew what I wanted, I knew where to go. I got into the store and I got so dizzy I thought I was going to pass out.

I had that same "tight" feeling I used to get in the base of my head, top of my neck that made me feel if I gave into it my head would fall off (I know - very strange, but I can't find another way to describe it). Only this time, the tight feeling was throughout my body, in my legs, my head, my neck, my arms, right more than left. And the more I walked, the dizzier I got. I even thought for a moment, ok - just let it take you and there are enough people here that someone would call someone, everything would be ok. But I didn't fall over, and I didn't pass out, and I just kept walking.

I even tried out the vacuum, and in my state thought the vacuum was heavy because I was feeling really weak (unfortunately, the vacuum IS heavy - but we own it now - so oh well - it sucks great though!).

I had enough distractions, that the weak, dizzy feeling was still there but not as strongly. I feel like my eyes are big and I probably look like a deer in headlights - like I'm trying to focus more. To others I probably look scared. I am.

I was dizzy getting in the car, dizzy driving... tried to concentrate while driving and I called my mom and told her it was still happening. "Go home and lie down."
Nope - I still had another task. I went to Lowe's and bought some Mums to plant in a container my folks gave us - I picked out beautiful purples and yellows with pink and purple tinges to them, and pink and while - just beautiful. Then I got home and planted them, cleaned spider webs from my front porch, hosed down my entire house, sweated, and made myself exhausted.

I went up to take a shower and the whole time I was in there I just felt like I was being shocked repeatedly. I started bawling and got out of the shower just ready to give up. I cried to my husband who said it was because I didn't drink enough water or that I had a big day. I didn't do anything too exerting. I tried to explain the feeling I had. I told him I felt like I have a rod going down the middle of my body just shocking the crap out of me. Then I said, "I do, it's my central nervous system."

I see my neuro this Wednesday and I really can't wait. I don't know what she'll say or what information I'll gather. I just hope she has some info. Also, I have to tell her I've only taken my shot 3 times this week... I'll take it tonight, but that will mean that I skipped 3 days this week. That's the most I've ever skipped in a week. SIGH.

So... I don't know why I posted all of this. I feel good being able to put some kind of description with what I'm going through... just wish sharing it made it go away.

Thank you for all of your great supportive comments! I hope you're all well. Please take care!