Sunday, March 25, 2007

Fast approaching 40

I'm going to be 40 in two weeks from tomorrow. I remember when I turned 30 how everyone told me, "Oh 30 hit me hard, blah, blah, blah." Well, it didn't affect me. I didn't feel any different, I wasn't upset about my life. I had just started dating my now husband, had felt established, and accomplished all on my own even though I went through so many ups and downs before that point.
I will always remember the line from "When Harry Met Sally" when Sally is bawling to Harry because her ex is getting married. She says, "I'm going to be 40." "When?"
"Someday! And it's just sitting there like a big dead end."

She was 32 when she said that... so when I turned 32, was married and just before the kids started coming, I thought, "Hey, I'm doing ok!" LOL. Little did I know about the time bomb that is MS. That I would have my first child at 33, find out I have MS at 35, decide at 36 that I want another and try for the second child for over a year, with one failure and go through all the ups and downs of having MS at the same time.
At 37 I had my second child. At 38 I was laid off, at 39 I hated my old job, quit my old job, got a new one.
And now I'm almost 40. What's next?
It's like the waiting with MS... what's next? When's it going to hit next?
When's life going to hit next?
I have so many desires of what I'd love for my life... unattainable.
So mostly I worry and wonder.

I'm also having that incredible feeling of wanting a break. I used to do this throughout my 20's. It hit every Spring - Spring Fever I guess.
I would go out to California to see my sister, not always the best trips, but still - I got out to Sunny California and felt my independence driving around in this "home away from home". I would go to see Jenny in her Improv group, or go to her work when she worked for Disney or see her when she worked for Universal Studios as a tour guide. I'd see "Stars" and have fun going on the crazy tours they have, like "Graveline Tours" - so cool. That's the one that takes you to all the places people died, or killed themselves or were buried. How morbidly fun it was!

I don't know why I feel like taking a break - the thing is, I may get one with MS - which is the last thing I want. God, I hate this disease!!! I had a friend tell me that they aren't a planner. I am... and I can't plan this. It's that control thing and not having it anymore. Now, I'm also really spontaneous - but I don't like MS spontaneity!

Last week I was on a call with a client and had this burn sensation go from my left ear, down the left side of my neck and then I felt it go through my left arm. I don't know if it's the nerves that are impacted by the lesion on my c-spine or not. But it hurt so bad and I couldn't help but say out loud, "Ow, ow, ow!" So then my left side just felt tired. I felt tired.

Argh... this is a pity party! I just can't get off of these lately!!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

MS questions from a 6 year old

So my 6 year old daughter said to me again tonight that she hopes she doesn't get MS when she's older.
"Will I get it?" "I hope not," is all I could reply.
"How do you get it?" All I could tell her was the truth.
"They don't know the answer to that yet."

She asks very good questions. It just sucks that she's so little and has to have some kind of understanding of this that many adults don't understand.

Just another MS moment that just smacked me in the face.

Before I end this, please no more emails about frickin' antibiotics. I don't go for data that's not fully studied and comes from an anonymous blogger. Give me a break.

Also, Windows Live Messenger is now doing something really cool for certain causes, MS being one of them. Click on the new I'M button to read more about it.

Besides from the antibiotic warrior, thanks for your comments to my "do you tell" post. I really appreciate your stories and comments.
I hope you're all well.
Take care!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Do you tell people you have MS?

I haven't posted in a about a month. Things have been really busy with work and I've been enjoying the job tremendously.
Of course, being busy has it's draw-backs with my husband, so lots of stress there. Then the lack of sleep - some of which is self induced (my choice).
And then I got Strep Throat AGAIN this past weekend. The morning I started feeling the sore throat, I started having "paraesthesia" going through my left heel. Never knew what it was called before this week - I was describing it as a rushing feeling, like I can feel my blood zooming through my heel - every "two Mississippi's." But found out when describe as electric shock - much like L'Hermite's sign - man - that nails it as far as a description goes.

Today I shared the fact that I have MS with two co-workers. I had a strange reaction to that from some others. Only three people at my new job had known before. I don't know why - I brought it up because one of the co-workers was saying they were having stress related health issues and I just tried to say that I knew how hard it was to still stay stress free - even despite doctors orders because of my experiences with MS. I probably shouldn't have said anything.

Sometimes I don't know - do I say anything? Other times I think - well I live this mother f'ing disease every f'ing day - why can't I talk about it? Other times I'm embarrassed by it.
I really hate it. I wish to God that it didn't have to be so hard sometimes.

I'm in the best job I've ever been in with these great fabulous opportunities in front of me. I love what I do so much. I have the best boss I've ever had and a wonderful friend who means the world to me. I was meant to be where I am right now.
I have two small children who need me - a husband who's pissed I work so much and then when I'm home, I'm working, and when I'm done working I'm exhausted... ok - not a strong point.
But that's MS!! I want to be able to have it all and then I have this.

I want to be able to talk about it - but then there is some weird - I don't know - hang up about it.
Of course then there is sharing that I have this disease and having people look at me like, "What the heck is she saying, she looks fine." Then I feel sorry for myself. Then I just want to f'ing scream.

You know - things will be fine - go along just fine and I don't talk about it - then I have symptoms that wig me out - like the leg thing and also my eyes. Very blurry vision lately - but the good thing about that is wearing my "reading" glasses helps. But every time I get a "flare up" it smacks me in the f'ing face again!!?!?!?

Am I not supposed to talk about it? Am I supposed to not tell people? Am I supposed to pretend it doesn't exist especially when I'm worried the blurred vision is from it, or when my legs freaking out from it, or my hands go numb from it. ARGH!!!!!!!! It's bad enough to have the f'ing thing then to have to f'ing worry about who f'ing knows!!!!!!!
Jiminy Christmas!!!

Ok - I've vented. Please - anyone, anyone? Do you tell people? If so, what's the reaction you get? Pity? GOD - I don't want that above anything!! If anything I want people to see how much I fight instead... but then I'm a bawling baby right now - so that's kind of weak and wimpy of me.

Sorry for the big beeeaatch session and the cussing. Please share your experiences. I'm very curious how the whole "reveal" affects you all.

Hope you're all well. Please take care.