Sunday, January 27, 2008

Feeling better

I'm feeling better.

I went off the Zoloft and back to my Celexa. I also took the Neurontin and the itching stopped. Of course fatigue kicked in double-time, but it always does at this time of the month too. SIGH!

My mom's Aunt died... it was a couple days after my lowest point. My mom was so upset, I knew at that moment I needed to get strong again. I went up for the funeral and also got to see my best friend and came home a bit more clear headed. Not so tragic.

The day I left to go up for the funeral, I also spoke with a new MS Counselor and it just helped talking to someone a lot. Someone who could give me that objective view and remind me, "This is MS".

My kids are so great! My son makes me giggle every day and my daughter amazes me with her fabulous talent and intelligence.

A lot to stay strong for. The best thing the counselor said is that I'm struggling with the asking part. I've always been the one to take care of others and having to ask for someone to do that for me just about breaks my heart. It's extremely humbling. Especially when I'm physically capable now to take care of myself.

Right now my son is playing his Thomas the Train laptop and he just turned it upside down, so the screen is on his lap and he's holding it up to his face closely - and keeps hitting the "Train Whistle" button. Now that's what I wish I had on my laptop! LOL! Forget extra memory - I need a train whistle. Such a great kid. He's tired and needs to nap and is fighting it. He's so like me! Only - it's really hard to fight a nap with fatigue - but believe me, I've tried. And I probably act just like my son does. :-)

You know, I really and truly appreciate all my readers. I know I haven't been helpful lately, but you all need to know that your comments have helped me tremendously. Thank you so much!

I hope you're all well - we're on the last legs of Winter - and hopefully it goes by quickly! The no sun days aren't very helpful with depression. DUH! :-)
Please take care, stay warm and stay safe!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Thoughts Scare Me

I haven't been doing so good with the depression. I don't like the Zoloft - at all. I thought maybe it was bringing me clarity - but instead it's making me feel so much more like giving up. Very wrong I know.

I love my kids so much and don't want to do anything to them - leave them without a mom. That would be the most selfish thing in the world. I agree with one of the comments, my daughter is picking up on my depression. She's really been acting up a lot more lately, but has made me a lot of pictures. My son, he snuggles with me more. They are the cutest, most lovable children. I'm proud to be their mommy. I so want to get past this so I can be better for them.

I have some personal issues on the home front that I'm battling. So that's difficult.

I got a cold - just a virus last week or so - had the cough, etc, so that made me more tired, feeling just overall yucky anyway. Makes the depression worse. As well as days of no sun. It's awful. I had sun days two days in a row this week and felt so much better. Today it wasn't sunny and neither was my day.

Since Monday, I've been itching like crazy. And worrying that it's something bad. Today I finally looked up the MS systems again and itching is one. I have probably seen that on "the list" before, but since I never had an itching problem before I never thought much about it.

I tried to call my Neurologist earlier this week about my depression getting worse but never got a call back from her secretary and when one of the MS Nurses called me back she said, "You're seeing a counselor on Thursday, I think you can wait, don't you?" I thought, well hell - I guess I'll wait. But now, don't feel like waiting for the secretary call me back about itching.
The write up on itching says that since it's probably neuropathic, Neurontin is one of the things used to control that. So I popped a Neurontin. I'll take another one before I go to bed. Hopefully that helps. Even though I hate that crap.

I'm sorry - I'm just rambling and complaining. I want to be happier. I have really great friends. I had a long talk with one of my friends this morning who is really fabulous. And my best friend has been there for me all day - and all week through all of this. There's no reason to feel like this.

I hope you're all doing well.
Take care!