Saturday, September 29, 2007

Lovely weather - sucky body

Hello all,
I love this weather! I love the start of fall and the sunny and 70 degree days. I am working hard and trying to spend as much quality time with my kids and its kicking my behind.

Yesterday I spent the day with my daughter doing fun stuff, walking a lot and the we went bowling. I was so sore. Then today, I got a burst of energy and said, "Let's all go bowling!"
By the time I was out of the shower I was so tired I wanted to back out, but the family was counting on it, so we went bowling. We paid for an hour - but my son only had enough attention to bowl one frame (he's 3 - what did I expect) and my daughter was trying so hard that I think she got tired, and my husband just can't bowl, so after the first game they went to the arcade area and I stayed to bowl a game and a half by myself. My legs are mean to me. My right hand betrays me. Of course I thought I was just sore and tired from running around the day before. So after bowling we bought some Halloween decorations for outside and then I cleaned off the porch and pulled weeds and got all yucky sweaty again.

During the Halloween shopping I had a couple moments where I would turn to my left and get dizzy - but it was like that electrical shock feeling too. Very disheartening. :-(

I went to take a bath (yes a hot bath because I love them even though they hate me) and as soon as my body hit the water I felt every pain every where. While in the tub I got dizzy again and again. To the point where I felt like I couldn't even move. It took more energy for me to wash and rinse and get up out of the tub as it did to bowl today. Then I just sat and cried on the side of the tub when I got out. My husband came in and asked what was wrong. He was actually pretty supportive.

Every time I have a "symptom" I would rather write it off to being something else. So I of course looked up MS and Dizzy on Google and of course can make you dizzy. I'm so sick of it.

My sister told me about The Secret... not sure if you've all heard about it... mostly just how to change thinking from negative into positive affirmations. I think I'm able to change my thinking in some areas of my life to be more positive. But it's really hard when it comes to other things.

I still get so sad. I know it's hard to beat depression. Maybe I am just depressed, maybe its not a hormonal thing. Today I felt great - until I got dizzy... and it's not like just a "stood up too fast" kind of lightheaded dizzy thing - it's just different - it comes with the shock feeling, through my body, in my arms, around my neck behind my ears. I lied back in the tub after I felt that and just tried to relax and all I could "feel" was like that feeling of exposed nerve. It's just that same feeling I get when I get that shock sensation when I bend my neck forward. That feeling is the one that just depresses me. I think that maybe its because if that is on the inside of me, I can't control it. i can't massage it out, I can't do anything about it.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling now. Before I started this blog I went through and was looking at how some of the other MS bloggers are doing. Looks like some of you are still having issues too and I'm so sorry.

On Mandatory Rest Period she has this blog on Stress...
I really think it adds so much to this disease. But one of the aspect of stress and MS that will just never go away is dealing with the disease. None of us give up... so that adds an element of stress in just dealing with the day to day. I'm not unable to function, for which I am grateful, but I worry about the "when" of that. This is when I need to use "The Secret" and tell myself that "when" will never take place. I want to work and be successful and exceed at everything I do. If I forget something, I stress "oh my God, I forgot about that, is it MS?" If an hour after I wake up and start working I suddenly get so overwhelmingly exhausted I need to lie down and "rest my eyes", I freak out... I shouldn't be exhausted from working for an hour just using my brain and my fingers from typing and my eyes from freaking reading. All of that adds stress.

Then relationships - oh my GOD - I try to trust and that's stressful... I try to have a conversation with my husband and that's stressful (remember, he doesn't even read this blog - how supportive is that?), my relationship with my parents is stressful - just because I don't want them to worry about me and I worry about them. And finally - two kids, 7 and 3 constantly screaming... oy vey!! The other day I put ear plugs in just because I think the screaming is screwing up something else in my brain. Maybe I have a lesion on the area that is sensitive to sound and it makes loud even worse. Who knows.

Oh - and I just bought a new car. Our old protege was going to cost so much to repair just for end of year plate renewal and all that I went and bought a new car and now I'm trying to get money to pay the taxes to get it registered. And of course a new car payment. :-( SIGH... I could go on and on. So... yoga anyone? :-) I know - the whole time I've been writing this I keep thinking, I should do something about this stress.

Well, I'll stop now... I really hope you're all doing much better and taking care.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Been a while

I apologize for not posting in a long while.
I have had my moments. Depression is still there, but mostly around "that time" and I've been trying to get my PCP and my Gyn to help me there. My PCP is finally on my side there and thinks that it is hormonal. Just need to get my Gyn to agree.

MS symptoms are just the occassional voo doo doll pains and fatigue. I've been blessed with a fabulous boss who lets me work from home and I work all the time. I've been really busy with work and the kids.

I wanted to talk to any of you on Copaxone. I have been skipping shots - NOT RECOMMENDED. I mostly do it when I'm up late working and then it's midnight by the time I go up. But a couple of times, and again - NOT RECOMMENDED, I was having so much pain with the shots not going in right away. I use the AutoJect and the needle would go into my skin, but the drug wasn't pushing in quickly so it would burn tremendously from having the needle in my skin so long. OUCH!!

I finally got so tired of it I called SharedSolutions and they told me that there was a Lot of the drug that had new syringes that were causing problems with the autoject.
I do recommend calling to discuss if you've had the same issue.

They did ask me if I could inject without the autoject and I just cannot. When I get stressed I still get that weird tight feeling in my neck. Those feelings that I got when I thought something was wrong and went to the doc who gave me my diagnosis. I would rather not CAUSE that if not necessary. Injecting without the autoject is too stressful for me now.

I did a training for a client two weeks ago and had that tight feeling when it started off not so well. Of course I had just driven for over 3 hours to get there so all stress. I think I hate that feeling more than the fatigue. SIGH!

I have done one thing for myself that I am proud of... I have joined a massage place so I get a monthly massage. In fact, I have one I need to get going for. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! Just work out stressed out muscles, take time to relax and de-stressify.

Next step - back to Yoga. I'll do that and hopefully that will work out a strained muscle I have in my abdomen. I'll keep you posted.

I hope you're all doing well! Thank you for the comments and encouragement.
Take Care!