Saturday, October 29, 2005

My day off

So the hubby and I have gotten away from the kiddies. We're relaxed, we've talked, gotten some things off our chests about whether I should go on 'ye old antidepressant.
I think I'm going to try. UGH!! Some day I'll make this decision.

I think I'm in a slightly better mood right now. Just because I'm relaxed and not feeling rushed and not trying to think too much about anything right now.
Also, I skipped my shot last night, not on purpose, but because I forgot to bring my "stuff" with me to my folks house. So I'll be back on it tonight. But hey, a day off once in a blue moon, maybe it was what I needed.

Thanks to everyone who wrote to me about my last post! My name is Pamela and I have MS.
And to SinnerSaint, you're darn right. This disease is going down!!! I loved that.

Okay, now, here's a quick question about blogging. How in the heck is my blog getting SPAMMED?!?!?! UGH!!! I delete them, but how do these people find me? LOL!

Ah well, again, if it's not one thing it's another.

Now, I have to go back to hubby and me time, but I read an excerpt of Teri Garr's new book in People Magazine. It was good. I can't believe how much I'm reading about MS lately!! People are talking about this more and that's a good thing. So I'm going to get her book too to read, and I am going to read The Breakdown Lane. I think it might even help encourage me to write more.
Take care all!! Till later.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Still Battling

Okay, I did a bad thing. I started to read The Breakdown Lane and man, I'm realizing that I have yet to really deal with having MS.
I think that for the past, almost three years, I just tried to avoid the subject. Just thinking about it when having major symptoms, having Solumedrol treatments or now every night I take a shot.

I think about it when I plan and organize my team for the MS Walk, but really, if I have a symptom I don't talk about it. I'm starting to feel that that's been my biggest mistake.
I also realized today that I haven't been telling my husband. He didn't hear until today how incredibly depressed I've been. I think he's just been feeling my anger. Poor man!

Is anyone else angry? Stupid question?

Regarding that book, I can't get past the first chapter. I'm afraid to keep reading. I started it and thought I should go back and finish 1776. Or I should write everything down myself.

In reading in other blogs I'm also realizing a lot of us either blame MS for all symptoms we have for anything or try to attribute some of our symptoms to something else.
Do you realize that we get that from our family and friends. Everyone tries to reason away these crazy symptoms! Specially for those of us with invisible symptoms. Just because someone else can't see my cold spot in the middle of my thigh, doesn't mean I don't feel it.

And I really think people are bothered if I talk about it, like I'm drawing attention to it. So I try not to talk about it. But you know what? It's part of me! I can't reason it away or pretend I'm not having a hard time with it or act like I'm fine. But I'm not fine. I have these weird crazy things going on in my body. Yes, I can walk just fine, and I'm grateful for that. But I still have crazy wacko things happen that I can't explain. The things that make me think, oh I'm just tired or I picked up my son wrong, or I must have slept on my arm and that's why I wake up every day with it numb.
But it's because I have MS. Now, I got that. I just hate having to pretend that I don't. And even telling myself that I'll deal with it, when it comes up.
Well, it comes up every night at shot time. It comes up lately, every day, throughout the day because of this depression.

I hate living every day wondering when I'll have another major relapse. And not really knowing if I'm having a relapse because of all the other weird twinges and cold spots and numb spots.
I cannot wait to see that new neuro in November.
But in the mean time, I'm finally mad. I keep thinking, that I don't have to make this part of my life. But it is.

I got something from my old company about retirement. My Dad and I sat down to see how much money I could get if I made them role it over in a monthly payment for me. But my Dad asked, "When are you planning on retiring? Can you wait till you're 70." And I said, "Dad, I don't even know if I'll be able to walk at 50, so I don't know." I don't know. That is the hardest part. I wish that someone could say, "okay, this is how long until you'll need assistance." But no one can say.
I know, I'm having a terrible pitty party. I know this blog does no one any good. Maybe that's why I feel so selfish. I don't want it to be all about me, and it truly isn't. My MS is about me and my family and my friends, at the least the ones who aren't bothered if I talk about it. Bitter much?

I'm very lucky to have such a wonderful husband. My parents are wonderful. But just like when I first found out. I had to make them know that I was okay. Well now I think I need to talk. And be sad when I'm sad, and be okay with that. And not feel guilty about letting this bother me.
If someone was stepping on my foot or sticking a needle in my thigh to make me have these feelings, my family and friends would be mad. They would talk about it. They'd say, "Hey, why is that jerk sticking a needle in your thigh?" And I'm sure they'd tell him to stop.
But this is harder for them to talk about, and thus harder for me to talk about with them. It's just harder when you can't see the jerk, I guess.
Please don't get my wrong. I have MS and in not wanting it to be the main thing in my life, I've avoided it. But it's part of me and I have it and I've got to talk about it. UGH!!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Depression (plus fatigue) Update

Fatigue is my daily struggle. The longer I work the more I'm fatigued. My son is heavier, so just picking him up tires me out.

For the depression I decided to try exercise, again. Funny thing about that is... I'm too tired to do it. I have been too tired the past two days. I keep thinking that laying down and crying would be easier than the exercise. It works for my kids! When they're upset they kick and scream and it works for them. Why can't I?

Because I need to show a brave face. That's why I hate this depression. I don't feel brave right now. I also feel horrible that I can't make it funny right now. I used to say, there is humor to my story of MS, but not right now there isn't. I wouldn't mind having that back right now.

I need a vacation. Maybe it's the culmination of what's gone on in the past several months. I mean, I was laid off on April 1 from a company I worked for nearly 10 years (11 if you count temp time), then I got a new job, and that's been an adjustment, believe me! Then my kids, my husband's surgery, and his icky ex wife. I guess if you look at all of that, there's some hurdles in there. But I've survived so far and I'm sure I will survive this. Gloria Gaynor, sing it for me baby!

I am looking forward still though. I've got that new neurologist that I see in November. I just CANNOT wait! I mean, maybe she'll explain the more frequent headaches, the pulled muscles. Is that a symptom? I mean I've been getting them an awful lot lately. Anyway, I have things to look forward to and the fall is my most favorite time of year. My daughter loves it and I'm looking forward to the holidays too. It will be better. But man, I guess I should get on something before we get to the winter blues! UGH!! To quote Rosanna Rosana Dana, "If it's not one thing it's another!"

Injections - a way of life

You know it's pretty funny that I take injections every day. I hate needles! I loath shots!
When I was pregnant with my son I had gestational diabetes and had to stick my fingers several times a day. I remember, the longer I did it, the harder it got.

I'm thinking that's what's happening with these shots.

My Autoject was even messing me up. Sometimes I'd have the thing on my arm for 20 seconds and the red area still didn't show up in the window. So my Autoject was failing me. However, the people over at Shared Solutions are excellent and not only sent me two new ones, one is for backup, but they also sent me an envelop to send the "bad" one back in. So they can check it out and make sure they don't have this trouble again. That was great!

Now if I could get past the part where my brain actually tells my thumb to press the button... faster. Instead of me holding for a good minute and finally have to regroup because I've gotten myself into a tizzy over not pressing the stupid button. But it's nothing a glass of wine can't take care of. Well, sometimes. I try to be brave and skip the wine and many times I succeed!
Also, I have to say, Tucks pads are the way to go. Slap one on after the shot and it's pretty good at taking the sting away. Plus, having something else on your mind or something else to do helps too. I mean, hey, I'm still here, right? The shots aren't killing me.
Even in this "down" time, I'm still doing pretty well.

So I should LOVE these shots! They just kind of suck.

Thanks for the kind words

Thanks to everyone who commented about the depression. It's really encouraging.
I hope my posts can be encouranging too. I'll try my best.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Riding the Depression Wave

Well, it's finally hit. I've reached that "depression" part, or at least I'm giving into it.
So much has hit all at once that I guess it was inevitable.
Personally, my 5 year old daughter has become more and more of a challenge, very strong-willed but to the point of tantrums constantly. I think, God, why? I'm so tired I can't deal with this!
Then even my 15 month old son throws tantrums. But his are funny, for now. I just hope his continue to stop quickly. All you have to do is chuckle and then he'll stop and chuckle too.

My husband's ex has made our life miserable, but at least his kids respect us more than they do their mother. That's always a plus, especially when I'm already too tired to deal.

Work is so stressful and my son has been sick constantly! So I've had to work from home, which has caused me to work longer hours. And my boss isn't happy about it. I've only been there since June and I've already used up most of my vacation/sick. I just keep pushing through the fatigue. And ignoring all the weird things going on.

And then I cry. I cry because it seems like there is NO TIME to do anything. Like something is happening and I can't control it. Then I have no time with my daughter, we end up battling instead.

And the shots! I'm nearing a year of these lovely things and suddenly it's harder for me to push the button on the Autoject now then it was when I started. I don't know. Maybe that part is all in my head that it's scaring me now then before.

I'm also anxious to see this new neurologist. I can't wait and I still have till November 22 for my appointment. Which I made in April. I hope she's that good, as everyone tells me.

I am disappointed in myself! I just can't believe I'm actually letting this get to me and I swore it wouldn't. I told myself not reading too much about MS would help me to move away from it. Maybe that wasn't a good choice.

My daughter actually told me yesterday that she was afraid she'd have to take shots everyday when she gets older, like I do. I don't know how to make her feel safe. I just know I don't want her to get MS. I worry when my son gets too hot that he's going to have a relapse. He's only 15 months and doesn't have MS, why do I think that way. I try to keep my daughter from getting over heated. I get paranoid when she says, "My heart is racing." Not that racing heart is a symptom of MS, but that she might be sick with something else. Oh my goodness, I can't even explain that feeling of hopelessness, not knowing how long I can be there for my kids. See, that's the depression. All this doom and gloom.
I'm sorry, this isn't the most positive blog. But hey, I'm still hanging in there.

Take care, all. Keep smiling. Don't let it get you. I know I'll come out of this too. Just a culmination of so much at the same time, I'm sure.