I finally did it. I went to my doctor and got on an anti-depressant. I have to say that it took me forever to go in and after talking to him I wondered why I was so scared. My doctor is fabulous. He's the same one who said, "It's either a pinched nerve or it's MS." And he's been right on ever since.
Well, I told him about how I started out the first half of the year losing my job, then job hunting, then getting a new job, which has been so much stress all on it's own. I told him about me having a breakdown that my step-kids heard and that my daughter heard and that I was worried about all of that. He heard all of my worries about money, about how long I can work, etc. I told him how even though I should feel pretty proud of the fact that I've been on these injections for nearly a year, I don't feel proud I just feel bitter and angry that I have to take them. I also told him that I'm nearing my 3 year anniversary of my diagnosis and it's really affecting more than it ever had before. I just never wanted to think about having MS.
Well he has been the first person who actually validated everything that I've been feeling.
He said that depression is really very normal. That just the job situation alone can cause depression, pile on that the stress of a blended family, raising kids and every day normal money issues and depression is more than understandable. But then he said something that I was like, "Oh my gosh, he so gets this!" He said when you have MS, MS alone can be something that causes stress and depression. He said the main thing about MS is the not knowing when I can have a relapse. He said, "You're doing fine, everything's good but you just don't know how long that will last." Then he compared it to the story of Damocles and the sword and how he had the sword hanging over his head by just one horse hair, never knowing when the sword would fall and how bad it would hurt him when it did. And that's just like MS. When will the sword fall and how bad will it be?
After he told me that I was actually pretty hopeful. He said the anti-depressant will help me, that I will feel better. I've only been on it for six days now, but I'm hoping this does the trick. Of course I have to get over the nausea and the headaches from it first. Again, if it's not one thing it's another! :-)
Oh, and I just have to share. Before I saw the doc, when his nurse called me from the waiting room, I stood up to follow her and she never even turned around to see if I was following her. Then she lead me to the scale (digital - hate 'em) and when I got to it I said, "Should I take my shoes off?" She said, "You don't have too." So I didn't and stepped on. As soon as the number came up I turned to her and said, "My shoes weigh 50 pounds." No reaction from her whatsoever, no smile, nothing. Good thing I never went into Stand Up!
One more thing, the word verification is working!! Whew!!
And I hope you all are doing well. Thanks for reading.