Saturday, November 05, 2005

New Depression Update

I finally did it. I went to my doctor and got on an anti-depressant. I have to say that it took me forever to go in and after talking to him I wondered why I was so scared. My doctor is fabulous. He's the same one who said, "It's either a pinched nerve or it's MS." And he's been right on ever since.

Well, I told him about how I started out the first half of the year losing my job, then job hunting, then getting a new job, which has been so much stress all on it's own. I told him about me having a breakdown that my step-kids heard and that my daughter heard and that I was worried about all of that. He heard all of my worries about money, about how long I can work, etc. I told him how even though I should feel pretty proud of the fact that I've been on these injections for nearly a year, I don't feel proud I just feel bitter and angry that I have to take them. I also told him that I'm nearing my 3 year anniversary of my diagnosis and it's really affecting more than it ever had before. I just never wanted to think about having MS.

Well he has been the first person who actually validated everything that I've been feeling.

He said that depression is really very normal. That just the job situation alone can cause depression, pile on that the stress of a blended family, raising kids and every day normal money issues and depression is more than understandable. But then he said something that I was like, "Oh my gosh, he so gets this!" He said when you have MS, MS alone can be something that causes stress and depression. He said the main thing about MS is the not knowing when I can have a relapse. He said, "You're doing fine, everything's good but you just don't know how long that will last." Then he compared it to the story of Damocles and the sword and how he had the sword hanging over his head by just one horse hair, never knowing when the sword would fall and how bad it would hurt him when it did. And that's just like MS. When will the sword fall and how bad will it be?

After he told me that I was actually pretty hopeful. He said the anti-depressant will help me, that I will feel better. I've only been on it for six days now, but I'm hoping this does the trick. Of course I have to get over the nausea and the headaches from it first. Again, if it's not one thing it's another! :-)

Oh, and I just have to share. Before I saw the doc, when his nurse called me from the waiting room, I stood up to follow her and she never even turned around to see if I was following her. Then she lead me to the scale (digital - hate 'em) and when I got to it I said, "Should I take my shoes off?" She said, "You don't have too." So I didn't and stepped on. As soon as the number came up I turned to her and said, "My shoes weigh 50 pounds." No reaction from her whatsoever, no smile, nothing. Good thing I never went into Stand Up!

One more thing, the word verification is working!! Whew!!
And I hope you all are doing well. Thanks for reading.


Kim said...

Hi Pamela - I just wanted to drop in and say hello. And, good for you for going in and getting the anti-depressant. Having known several people with depression, that first step of actually talking to a doctor is truly a commendable accomplishment. Thankfully you seem to have a really fantastic doctor that made the experience so much better.

pam said...

glad to hear from you again. The antidepressants will help. I take effexorxr and all the little things and some big things don't bother me like they use to. Good Luck, Pam R.

Suzy said...

Good for you for facing your fear of the anti-depressant! Now if they could make a pill for the pain in my feet, all would be well!

Wishing you the best!

Vivian said...

I have just found your blog and it is wonderful. My husband was dx'd with MS in 2003. I have desperately been looking for blogs of other spouses but I just have not found them. Yours is helpful though. Our son also has Type 1 diabetes so between the two most days I feel like emotionally and mentally I have these autoimmune diseases too. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it is always good to feel you are not alone.

personallog! said...

50m pound shoes LOL thats great! I havent even thought about anti-depessants yet but I look forward to reading your future updates with them.