Thursday, December 13, 2007

Update - I'm a walking contradition

Hi,
I'm sorry for not keeping up on this.

I hope you're all doing well and looking forward to, or already enjoying the holidays.

I had a really good MRI in November. I then had a really good follow-up appointment with my doc who said that my disease is really mild. I even "celebrated" my 5 year anniversary of my diagnosis because I'm doing well, even though I've had it for over 5 years.

The one disease my doc wants to get a handle on is my depression. I have my moments. Today and yesterday, haven't been included in those moments.

I almost lost my best friend today because I pushed so much. I think about, well, I don't have to go there.

I really hate myself like this. I feel needy when I've been so independent. I am doing great MS wise, strength, etc, but all I want to do is ball up and have someone take care of me. Now, when I don't physically need anyone to take care of me, I just want that so much. I feel guilty for wanting that. I feel guilty when I take things too personally. When I mess up I feel like it's the end of the world.

The worst part of all of this is I'm doing so well other than this depression. I have so much to be grateful for and instead I cry at the drop of a hat. It's very hard to get up in the mornings.

But I do have to say that I still do it. I'm still getting up and going about my day.
So, I'm switching antidepressants, but after the holidays are over. I'm hoping that the transition is smooth and this one helps me. I need to get through this. I need to be as strong mentally again as I am physically.

I'll get there.

I really hope you're all doing well. Here's to a HAPPY 2008 and maybe this will be the year they'll get that cure!!

3 comments:

LISA EMRICH said...

Hi,

I've decided to start a Blog Carnival specifically for those with MS or those who discuss MS. You are invited to participate. Information is available at http://brassandivory.blogspot.com/2007/12/announcing-new-carnival-of-ms-bloggers.html

thanks,
Lisa

Jaime said...

Wouldn't it be nice if they finally came up with a cure? I think it will still be a while.

I am sorry to hear of your depression. In some ways I think that is worse than the illness itself. I suppose it all depends on the situation. You are in my thoughts and I hope this finds you feeling better.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Jaime

zenhead said...

hey, depression is real and brought on by a lot of things, and can and should be treated. talking to an impartial and unemotionally involved person, along with possibly medication, can be a life saver. it saved mine. don't let this linger!