Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Thoughts Scare Me

I haven't been doing so good with the depression. I don't like the Zoloft - at all. I thought maybe it was bringing me clarity - but instead it's making me feel so much more like giving up. Very wrong I know.

I love my kids so much and don't want to do anything to them - leave them without a mom. That would be the most selfish thing in the world. I agree with one of the comments, my daughter is picking up on my depression. She's really been acting up a lot more lately, but has made me a lot of pictures. My son, he snuggles with me more. They are the cutest, most lovable children. I'm proud to be their mommy. I so want to get past this so I can be better for them.

I have some personal issues on the home front that I'm battling. So that's difficult.

I got a cold - just a virus last week or so - had the cough, etc, so that made me more tired, feeling just overall yucky anyway. Makes the depression worse. As well as days of no sun. It's awful. I had sun days two days in a row this week and felt so much better. Today it wasn't sunny and neither was my day.

Since Monday, I've been itching like crazy. And worrying that it's something bad. Today I finally looked up the MS systems again and itching is one. I have probably seen that on "the list" before, but since I never had an itching problem before I never thought much about it.

I tried to call my Neurologist earlier this week about my depression getting worse but never got a call back from her secretary and when one of the MS Nurses called me back she said, "You're seeing a counselor on Thursday, I think you can wait, don't you?" I thought, well hell - I guess I'll wait. But now, don't feel like waiting for the secretary call me back about itching.
The write up on itching says that since it's probably neuropathic, Neurontin is one of the things used to control that. So I popped a Neurontin. I'll take another one before I go to bed. Hopefully that helps. Even though I hate that crap.

I'm sorry - I'm just rambling and complaining. I want to be happier. I have really great friends. I had a long talk with one of my friends this morning who is really fabulous. And my best friend has been there for me all day - and all week through all of this. There's no reason to feel like this.

I hope you're all doing well.
Take care!


natalief said...

"There's no reason to feel like this."

There is - the MonSter. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

You might be interested in listening to the comments of a man with Multiple Sclerosis talk about autism, Asperger Syndrome, and Multiple Sclerosis and the similar problems encountered by people with these diagnoses.

While the podcast entitled "Special Feature Interview with Douglas Giesel and An Update Interview with Lewis Schofield" is mostly autism-based, Douglas does comment on his MS at length. His words are very inspirational.

Midnight In Chicago puts out these free audio podcasts, and they can be listened to at

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