I haven't posted in a about a month. Things have been really busy with work and I've been enjoying the job tremendously.
Of course, being busy has it's draw-backs with my husband, so lots of stress there. Then the lack of sleep - some of which is self induced (my choice).
And then I got Strep Throat AGAIN this past weekend. The morning I started feeling the sore throat, I started having "paraesthesia" going through my left heel. Never knew what it was called before this week - I was describing it as a rushing feeling, like I can feel my blood zooming through my heel - every "two Mississippi's." But found out when describe as electric shock - much like L'Hermite's sign - man - that nails it as far as a description goes.
Today I shared the fact that I have MS with two co-workers. I had a strange reaction to that from some others. Only three people at my new job had known before. I don't know why - I brought it up because one of the co-workers was saying they were having stress related health issues and I just tried to say that I knew how hard it was to still stay stress free - even despite doctors orders because of my experiences with MS. I probably shouldn't have said anything.
Sometimes I don't know - do I say anything? Other times I think - well I live this mother f'ing disease every f'ing day - why can't I talk about it? Other times I'm embarrassed by it.
I really hate it. I wish to God that it didn't have to be so hard sometimes.
I'm in the best job I've ever been in with these great fabulous opportunities in front of me. I love what I do so much. I have the best boss I've ever had and a wonderful friend who means the world to me. I was meant to be where I am right now.
I have two small children who need me - a husband who's pissed I work so much and then when I'm home, I'm working, and when I'm done working I'm exhausted... ok - not a strong point.
But that's MS!! I want to be able to have it all and then I have this.
I want to be able to talk about it - but then there is some weird - I don't know - hang up about it.
Of course then there is sharing that I have this disease and having people look at me like, "What the heck is she saying, she looks fine." Then I feel sorry for myself. Then I just want to f'ing scream.
You know - things will be fine - go along just fine and I don't talk about it - then I have symptoms that wig me out - like the leg thing and also my eyes. Very blurry vision lately - but the good thing about that is wearing my "reading" glasses helps. But every time I get a "flare up" it smacks me in the f'ing face again!!?!?!?
Am I not supposed to talk about it? Am I supposed to not tell people? Am I supposed to pretend it doesn't exist especially when I'm worried the blurred vision is from it, or when my legs freaking out from it, or my hands go numb from it. ARGH!!!!!!!! It's bad enough to have the f'ing thing then to have to f'ing worry about who f'ing knows!!!!!!!
Ok - I've vented. Please - anyone, anyone? Do you tell people? If so, what's the reaction you get? Pity? GOD - I don't want that above anything!! If anything I want people to see how much I fight instead... but then I'm a bawling baby right now - so that's kind of weak and wimpy of me.
Sorry for the big beeeaatch session and the cussing. Please share your experiences. I'm very curious how the whole "reveal" affects you all.
Hope you're all well. Please take care.