Sunday, March 25, 2007

Fast approaching 40

I'm going to be 40 in two weeks from tomorrow. I remember when I turned 30 how everyone told me, "Oh 30 hit me hard, blah, blah, blah." Well, it didn't affect me. I didn't feel any different, I wasn't upset about my life. I had just started dating my now husband, had felt established, and accomplished all on my own even though I went through so many ups and downs before that point.
I will always remember the line from "When Harry Met Sally" when Sally is bawling to Harry because her ex is getting married. She says, "I'm going to be 40." "When?"
"Someday! And it's just sitting there like a big dead end."

She was 32 when she said that... so when I turned 32, was married and just before the kids started coming, I thought, "Hey, I'm doing ok!" LOL. Little did I know about the time bomb that is MS. That I would have my first child at 33, find out I have MS at 35, decide at 36 that I want another and try for the second child for over a year, with one failure and go through all the ups and downs of having MS at the same time.
At 37 I had my second child. At 38 I was laid off, at 39 I hated my old job, quit my old job, got a new one.
And now I'm almost 40. What's next?
It's like the waiting with MS... what's next? When's it going to hit next?
When's life going to hit next?
I have so many desires of what I'd love for my life... unattainable.
So mostly I worry and wonder.

I'm also having that incredible feeling of wanting a break. I used to do this throughout my 20's. It hit every Spring - Spring Fever I guess.
I would go out to California to see my sister, not always the best trips, but still - I got out to Sunny California and felt my independence driving around in this "home away from home". I would go to see Jenny in her Improv group, or go to her work when she worked for Disney or see her when she worked for Universal Studios as a tour guide. I'd see "Stars" and have fun going on the crazy tours they have, like "Graveline Tours" - so cool. That's the one that takes you to all the places people died, or killed themselves or were buried. How morbidly fun it was!

I don't know why I feel like taking a break - the thing is, I may get one with MS - which is the last thing I want. God, I hate this disease!!! I had a friend tell me that they aren't a planner. I am... and I can't plan this. It's that control thing and not having it anymore. Now, I'm also really spontaneous - but I don't like MS spontaneity!

Last week I was on a call with a client and had this burn sensation go from my left ear, down the left side of my neck and then I felt it go through my left arm. I don't know if it's the nerves that are impacted by the lesion on my c-spine or not. But it hurt so bad and I couldn't help but say out loud, "Ow, ow, ow!" So then my left side just felt tired. I felt tired.

Argh... this is a pity party! I just can't get off of these lately!!


Stephen said...

my daughter, fast approaching 16, had a heart transplant 7 years ago. while it was a very difficult time, and has left her with difficult situations in her daily life, it also left her, and me by extension, with a unique appreciation for every day, every moment. as i fast approach 50, any time i find myself wallowing in one of those pity parties, i look at her, and how she lives every moment - good or bad - to the fullest she can, well aware that right here and right now is all we have. have your party, cry and rant, then get up, dust yourself off, and get back to your appreciation of being alive. it sure beats the alternative. (thank you for sharing with such honesty.)

Pamela said...

You're absolutely right Stephen, I need to put things in perspective.
You're daughter is brave and strong and I admire you for being strong for her as well.

And you're right - rant, rave, have the pity party and move on. Perfect advice!!
Thank you very much!!

mdmhvonpa said...

Beh ... the 2 biggies for guys are 40 and 60: PSA (prostate) and Colon exam dates. Urk.

karen said...

feel your emotions as it can be stressful to be brave and stephen is right about u only have now, the past is gone and tomorrow isn't here so make the most of now.