Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Touchy Subject - or not

It's been a bit since I've written. It's also been not so much fun lately.
About a month ago I started having horrid pains in my abdomen. At first I felt it low on the right, then up by my ribs then it radiated all over - and we're talking in the same "attack" of it. The pain would be really intense and then just be this dull ache. When it would move around my body - that's when I kept saying, "Oh no - THIS cannot be the MS too!"

I went to my PCP who said he thought it was my 'ol IBS kicking in. Drugs prescribed - don't work.

Then thought, well, ovaries - because the pain was concentrated that low. Went to my wonderful Gyn who prescribed Ibuprofen, which kicked in the IBS - not really helpful. "If it's not one thing is anotha!"

I had an ultrasound on my ovs... nothing... whew! All the time, looking at WebMD or whatever there was ALWAYS some reference to MS. DAMN!!! (That looks like it says Ms. Damn - lol!)

So - my PMS (this is the touchy subject - sorry guys) has been HORRID - I mean - I'm a different person right now. I have no confidence, I trust absolutely no one. I'm worried about everything, money, kids, friends, kids, debt, kids, work, kids, parents, kids, money, kids, and my husband who I sometimes feel more like a mom to. And of course every month at this time I get those Voodoo Doll pains again and fatigue that just KICKS MY ARSE!! I HATE my body right now! I HATE my mind! I cannot stand this.

Don't worry - already on the meds, I've even asked my PCP if I could up the milligrams and he did - still doesn't seem to cut it at this time. So tonight I decided I was going to do a little online research of the good 'ol Menstrual Cycle and MS. Of course I found a couple articles that refer to the MC causing flare ups of the MS. Of course - can't get away from this.

Found another one that says "symptoms deteriorate two to three days prior to the onset of their [cycle] and improve once [cycle] has started" - I think when they say symptoms deteriorate - I believe they mean get worse. Go figure.

I'm afraid of losing friends right now because EVERYONE either aggravates me to no end or I feel like they aren't sincere. I get mad and at the same time I feel desperate for a hug. How crazy does that sound? Maybe I'm just bi-polar.

My best friend - I about bit his head off yesterday because he told me to feel better. I was so bitter about that statement I know I upset him. I'm sure he thinks I'm nuts. But I guess that statement really gets me, because I won't get better. I mean, I will get better from today - but it will just come back. That's just a depressing thought. Ok - Pity Party again - I really apologize for this post already!

I have my neuro appointment in October. I'm not sure I can wait that long. Because this is a couple months of this getting worse and worse, I just need to figure out if there is something else.

About a week between the end of my last cycle and beginning of the PMS I get those pains in my abdomen again. So I keep thinking it's an ovulation thing.

Oh - and I have skipped my shots a couple of times. Maybe once a week it will happen, but I was NEVER like that before. I just get busy working that I forget until I go up to bed and then it's almost the next day so I skip it. Not sure if that's maybe made things a bit worse or not.

Check this out that I just found on http://www.mssociety.org.uk/
" In one study a questionnaire was given to 149 women. Of these women, 70 per cent noted that their MS symptoms seemed to change at a regular time in their cycle. They reported that the changes, usually involving a worsening of symptoms, occurred up to seven days before, and up to three days into, their period. Symptoms most commonly affected were weakness, imbalance, fatigue and depression. While other small studies have produced similar results, more research is needed to confirm the relationship between MS and menstruation."

So - PMS causes depression or crazy psycho lady in me - and MS does too- together it equals P-MS squared.
This is when I wonder about that phrase that I repeat a lot... "God doesn't give us what he thinks we can't handle" God must think I'm really strong. :-) Because if I can survive this PMS week and these horrid feelings of mistrust and really feeling alone, and the horrible idea that we have more debt than we should, particularly if I ever need a wheelchair or can't work (that's my freaking brain worrying about everything right now) - I can get through anything.
And I will. This too shall pass.

But I still hate this horrid disease!! Just with a passion, I loath it!
Although I do need to point out - I had fatigue so bad yesterday I so wanted to just sleep. I did do that a month ago - totally gave into it and took a sick day. But yesterday - no way - I took about 30 minutes to lie down - was going to take an hour - but I fought the MSer instead. SIGH! Probably should have taken the nap anyway. :-)

I really hope you're all well. Please forgive my rants again. I will write when I'm not the PMS Squared Pamela.

Please take care!

4 comments:

Stephen said...

hey, no appologies required. and i don't find pms a touchy subject. and i get upset too when people suggest that i just "feel better." as difficult as ms is to live with, i never really thought how much more difficult it is when the monthlies are added to the mix. i hear your anger, and i'm as much right there with you as i can be. one of the great things about this blogging community is that we all understand the need for ranting and holding pity parties every now and then. rave on!

herrad said...

hello pamela

pleaserant all you need we all need to its good for the soul.

it creates space to go on and enjoy what there is to enjoy.

take care

Sharon said...

I was just reading your blog and about the MC. For other reasons my doc upped my birth control. I take it for 3 months then off one week and on again for 3 months. It has helped with some of the symptoms you are talking about. I called it my PMSMS. If you want to ask any other wuestions I would be happy to talk with you. I know what your going through. Been there

Kim said...

Hey Pamela - Hope things are going better for you these days. :)