Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Looking Forward on my own - or with a changed support system

After ten years - not all happy, my husband and I are going to divorce. It's ok. We still get along - for our kids, for my step-kids.
He's a good person, just not a care-taker. I'm a good person, just not used to having to need someone to take care of me. And I KNOW I've been really more bitter since I was diagnosed with MS. But the support wasn't always there, which led us to this point.

We've moved on in the last year - but until a few weeks ago he still lived with us. Now we're doing the visitations with the kids and separating everything to prepare for a divorce. It's just harder than I thought. With the lingering issues from my relapse that began in January, it's been a battle keeping up with everything by myself. But I'm managing.
This week I actually let the laundry pile up and let the house get messy - mostly from the pollen dust that is coming through the windows because we've had gorgeous weather. So really, I can't complain.

Having MS is hard. You need to have people around you who, even if they can't really understand what you're going through, at least empathize with what you're going through. Who, when you say you're fatigued, don't say that they are fatigued too... because it's so different from being tired. Who, when you tell them, it feels like my foot is twisting into a pretzel, or it feels like my toenails are pulling off my toes, they say, like my wonderful neurologist said, "that's just what it feels like, it's really NOT happening". :)

You need to have people around you who are encouraging, who read about what's going on with MS patients, who encourage you to talk and who really want to listen.

My family is great! My parents are so wonderful, my kids and step-kids are awesome and my friends are so wonderful, particularly my best friend!!

My Neurologist said once that there are a lot of people with MS who find out after their diagnosis how their partner isn't a care-taker. It's sad to think that we have to expect our spouse or partner to be a care-taker - but that's what true love is... you just do it! If you can't... it's not meant to be. But I wouldn't trade the marriage I've had for the world because I have the greatest love in the world for my children - the step-children included. My life would be so sad without them and I love them so much. For them, I am forever grateful for what I've had with my husband and for all the good memories, there are no regrets at all. I don't even regret that it's ending. I'll only regret if we stop getting along and can't continue to be friends.

I hope you're all well!!
Take care!
Pamela

10 comments:

Kim said...

Sorry to hear your getting a divorce too, but it sounds like your getting the chance for it not be messy like mine became. The stress of all the changes can be a bit much. Take care!! Ask for help when you need it!

Kathrin said...

I am really sorry that you haven't felt supported and that you are now going through this.

I also need to thank you! There is a steep learning curve and I am learning. Nevertheless, it is steeper for her, I know that. yet, I never know what to say and I always assume that I am saying the wrong things.

This post helped!

Anonymous said...

Pamela,

Dr. Rafael Moguel who is a fantastic invasive cardiologist and the Director of the Clinic of the Heart at the Amerimed Hospital in Los Cabos, Mexico is currently conducting CCSVI clinical trials for MS sufferers, you should contact Dr. Moguel at cathboss@gmail.com or visit his website www.cardioabroad.com he is a good man with a huge heart, I'm sure he can help you. Get well.

Andrés Brakke

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Anonymous said...

Is this blog still going Pamela?

Matt Allen G said...

Hi, my name is Matt, I am only 20 and have only had MS since August of 2010 but I have learned a LOT since then.

Shortly after I was diagnosed I split up with my girlfriend (who was almost 5 years older then me) because she just didn't seem to know how to handle the situation properly and was causing me more pain then she was doing me good... You would think someone almost 25 would know how to handle such a thing but then again, I guess age doesn't directly contribute to maturity, only experience does.

It hurt so much to break up with her (especially since it was ME who left HER despite the fact that she was all I wanted at the time) because I really did love her with all my heart but she didn't seem to have the "caregiver instinct" granted, she did have a lot going on her plate as well but I don't know, it seemed like the best thing for both of us at the time.

Now it's around 6 months or so later and she wants back in my life. At first I was skeptical of this but of course I am starting to feel some feelings for her returning..

I have never been one to believe that people can change so quickly but I do have to wonder, can someone who was at one point not really a good "caretaker" turn around and truly MEAN IT?

Anonymous said...

Hello Pamela, my mother has MS. After the diagnosis in 2001 her physical and mental health became significantly worse. It has forced her out of the career she once loved, bounded her to a wheel chair, stole her independence, and completely erased her social life because of the inability to make friends due to my father's job responsibilities. After everything this disease has taken from my mom, she is still hopeful and optimistic. I can't imagine the amount of pain this horrible disease has put you through, but it makes me so happy to see someone that has experienced so much pain and still overcome and become a beacon of hope to those that feel hopeless and fearful in the face of this disease. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope you continue to inspire people with MS to continue living when it seems as if life is over. " If you suffer, thank God! it is a sure sign that you are alive."-Elbert Hubbard

Diagnose yourself online said...

Hi.
Wonderful blog. I am a medical professionalist and was not aware for the term that you have discussed. Thanks for enhancing the spectrum of my knowledge.

The Write Passage said...

Yes, it's a challenging dealing with divorce while living with MS-been there done that. Fortunately, my ex and I are on good terms. Love my kids so much!! Honesstly, I believe they have been, and are what keeps me going. Truly a blessing!

Jonathan Steele of Speechmastery.com said...

Sorry to have to read the first part. You wrote on your header, Maybe I can help someone else too.

Well, I have that same attitude. Only thing, I want to help in a way that most cannot imagine.

I started a practice as a holistic nurse. The outcomes are fantastic. Then recently, I started taking on MS. I am completing the research of Dr. F. Batmanghelidj.

If my research is pointing me in the right direction, then relief is possible.

First read Franks story...http://www.watercures.org/multiple-sclerosis-alternative-therapy.html and how an alternative therapy helped him.

It is the water cures protocol= http://www.watercures.org/water-cure.html

The key to making it work, it has to be unprocessed sea salt and it has to be dissolved in the mouth. It is inexpensive and it works in so many ways.

If you try it, please let me know how it works for you.

Ever,

Jonathan