Sunday, October 02, 2005

Riding the Depression Wave

Well, it's finally hit. I've reached that "depression" part, or at least I'm giving into it.
So much has hit all at once that I guess it was inevitable.
Personally, my 5 year old daughter has become more and more of a challenge, very strong-willed but to the point of tantrums constantly. I think, God, why? I'm so tired I can't deal with this!
Then even my 15 month old son throws tantrums. But his are funny, for now. I just hope his continue to stop quickly. All you have to do is chuckle and then he'll stop and chuckle too.

My husband's ex has made our life miserable, but at least his kids respect us more than they do their mother. That's always a plus, especially when I'm already too tired to deal.

Work is so stressful and my son has been sick constantly! So I've had to work from home, which has caused me to work longer hours. And my boss isn't happy about it. I've only been there since June and I've already used up most of my vacation/sick. I just keep pushing through the fatigue. And ignoring all the weird things going on.

And then I cry. I cry because it seems like there is NO TIME to do anything. Like something is happening and I can't control it. Then I have no time with my daughter, we end up battling instead.

And the shots! I'm nearing a year of these lovely things and suddenly it's harder for me to push the button on the Autoject now then it was when I started. I don't know. Maybe that part is all in my head that it's scaring me now then before.

I'm also anxious to see this new neurologist. I can't wait and I still have till November 22 for my appointment. Which I made in April. I hope she's that good, as everyone tells me.

I am disappointed in myself! I just can't believe I'm actually letting this get to me and I swore it wouldn't. I told myself not reading too much about MS would help me to move away from it. Maybe that wasn't a good choice.

My daughter actually told me yesterday that she was afraid she'd have to take shots everyday when she gets older, like I do. I don't know how to make her feel safe. I just know I don't want her to get MS. I worry when my son gets too hot that he's going to have a relapse. He's only 15 months and doesn't have MS, why do I think that way. I try to keep my daughter from getting over heated. I get paranoid when she says, "My heart is racing." Not that racing heart is a symptom of MS, but that she might be sick with something else. Oh my goodness, I can't even explain that feeling of hopelessness, not knowing how long I can be there for my kids. See, that's the depression. All this doom and gloom.
I'm sorry, this isn't the most positive blog. But hey, I'm still hanging in there.

Take care, all. Keep smiling. Don't let it get you. I know I'll come out of this too. Just a culmination of so much at the same time, I'm sure.

7 comments:

Alex said...

Take a deep breath girl! Oh my it seems like things are all hitting you at once take a break do some finger paints with your kids. Is there no one that can help you?

mdmhvonpa said...

Yeah, this can be tough. My two little ones seem to instinctively know when I'm at my weakest and gang up on me with incessent requests or stern opposition to anything that I ask them to do. The whole job thing makes it that much more difficult too. I just had to let some things go. A lot of my hobbies are now long gone and the house is not as clean as I would like it to be. Ironing? Sure, if the Mrs feels like doing it. You just have to power through it and hope that your support system is up to the task of helping you along.

Dont be upset with yourself, it's really not your fault. There is always a tomorrow, and there is a good chance it will be better than today.

Cecilia said...

Dear Pamela,

So much, so much. You simply must breathe! (And because you must, it will be the thing that helps most...because you are not wrong in your thinking, but the stress from it hurts. Watching your own breathing does help. Then, of course, you will take all of the brilliant little steps that you will do.)

Meanwhile, I'm breathing in parallel to you. Thanks for posting.

Erik said...

:-( Sorry to hear about the depression. Certainly it manifests itself different in every person, but it certainly makes life hard. I hope all gets better soon!

Anonymous said...

Please write more if you can, even if it's still about depression. Thanks for sharing previously.

Eriksgirl said...

I am so sorry you are battling with this. How long have you been diagnosed with MS? I apologize if you have addressed that and I missed it. I know that Erik went through a major depressive time about 6 months after diagnosis. We were both so ignorant that we did not realize that was what was going on.

Here is a link that might be of interest.

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/IMSSp98-WhyStudyGenes.asp

It discusses the chance that your child could get MS. The risk is lower than you might think it is, and that might be of help in getting those visions out of your head.

I am so sorry you are having a rough time, and I hope that all is much better soon.

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