I was walking down the stairs in my 95 year old gimpy way (again - still in the middle of this relapse/exacerbation/flare-up/glitch - or whatever you want to call it) and I was saying to myself, and anyone who was listening, that I wished I was walking like this because I had an injury or something. My daughter was downstairs on her DS and yelled at me.
"You would rather have an injury? You would rather have a BROKEN BONE!" And I said, "I would rather have an injury or broken bone that I could recover from, that would heal then this disease that there is no cure for."
"There's a cure for it!" She said, "They just haven't found it yet. But there is a cure."
She is my awesome optimist!
I should not let this "relapse" get me down... I just really wish I could type without this wretched, painful numbness in my right hand. And I wish could sleep without the burning hot, white hot pain going down my whole arms. :(
But I'll stick with my daughter here - there is a cure - they just haven't found it yet.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Worst Exacerbation EVER! :(
I am in the middle of battling the worst exacerbation I've ever experienced. I hurt everywhere. I can't make a fist with my right hand at all - the pain is unbareable. I can barely get up and down the stairs - it hurts so much.
Last week I started getting a "cold" or something. Apparently a viral infection. I called my Primary Care Physician on Tuesday morning and told her how stiff I was, the pain down my right arm was getting worse, I had a headache that got worse when I moved my eyes. She was concerned that is was "Viral Mengingitis" and told me to go to the ER. So I did. I hurt so much then - but not nearly like I do now.
The ER doc said my CT scan came back fine and all the lovely plethera of blood that they took came back good. He diagnosed me with Viral Syndrome and Multiple Sclerosis. WOW!! I have Multiple Sclerosis?!?!?! Who would have thought!
So I tried to rest, I went about my week and though I was doing better except for the wretched pain still in my right arm. The numbness that hurt.
Then Saturday I went to Costco alone and then Target and I was kind of sore, but didn't think anything of it. Then yesterday I went for a two hour massage! I was so happy to go because I woke up with a "crick in my neck" and it hurt to turn my head to the right. She worked out knots in my shoulder blades and said I would be sore. I've done this so many times before, I know the routine.
I came home, took a bath (a hot bath - I'm so dumb!), then got out and my left wrist hurt, then my neck felt worse, my ankles were hurting, like I had shin splints lower down my legs, right above the feet. I thought, well, it's from pushing that cart and walking around Costco. That could do anyone in who had a little cold.
(By the way - my right hand is numb and painful as I type - I getting used to it - but certainly don't want to - it really, really, really, really sucks!)
By the time I got to bed last night I was in pain everywhere. Ever joint in my body hurt. I woke up that way - only worse. The horrible part was that my 9 year old little baby had to help me get out of bed and down the stairs. :(
She's too little to have to deal with this. To help her mom get out of bed, walk down stairs, go to the bathroom :(.
I called my neurologists office all day and left messages and then the MS Nurse called me back and said, "You've got a virus and getting double-whammies!" She reminded me that Viral infections give you the aches and pains, particularly in the joints, and MS can sometimes cause joint pain... badaboom, badabing! Then she reminded me that when I run fevers, which makes the MS worse, I get another badaboom, badabing!
I told her how I was walking like a 95 year old. I asked if it could be anything else - she said - fight the virus, take care of the pain - it will pass.
I'm hitting the Aleve and Neurontin now - and I'll be diligent.
I can't walk up and down my stairs. I can't get up from my chair or sit down to pee without it hurting my knees to bend, my back to hurt, my hips to ache. I can't open a bottle of water, turn a doorknob, wash my hands without feeling pain in every joint in my hands. Particularly my thumbs. :(
I feel like a horrible mom. :( My kids look scared and my daughter is an Angel who keeps helping me. But she's so young :( she shouldn't have to take care of her mommy. :(
I really, really, really, really hate MS. :(
But I soooo hope none of you have to go through this. I hope you're all doing well.
Please take care.
Last week I started getting a "cold" or something. Apparently a viral infection. I called my Primary Care Physician on Tuesday morning and told her how stiff I was, the pain down my right arm was getting worse, I had a headache that got worse when I moved my eyes. She was concerned that is was "Viral Mengingitis" and told me to go to the ER. So I did. I hurt so much then - but not nearly like I do now.
The ER doc said my CT scan came back fine and all the lovely plethera of blood that they took came back good. He diagnosed me with Viral Syndrome and Multiple Sclerosis. WOW!! I have Multiple Sclerosis?!?!?! Who would have thought!
So I tried to rest, I went about my week and though I was doing better except for the wretched pain still in my right arm. The numbness that hurt.
Then Saturday I went to Costco alone and then Target and I was kind of sore, but didn't think anything of it. Then yesterday I went for a two hour massage! I was so happy to go because I woke up with a "crick in my neck" and it hurt to turn my head to the right. She worked out knots in my shoulder blades and said I would be sore. I've done this so many times before, I know the routine.
I came home, took a bath (a hot bath - I'm so dumb!), then got out and my left wrist hurt, then my neck felt worse, my ankles were hurting, like I had shin splints lower down my legs, right above the feet. I thought, well, it's from pushing that cart and walking around Costco. That could do anyone in who had a little cold.
(By the way - my right hand is numb and painful as I type - I getting used to it - but certainly don't want to - it really, really, really, really sucks!)
By the time I got to bed last night I was in pain everywhere. Ever joint in my body hurt. I woke up that way - only worse. The horrible part was that my 9 year old little baby had to help me get out of bed and down the stairs. :(
She's too little to have to deal with this. To help her mom get out of bed, walk down stairs, go to the bathroom :(.
I called my neurologists office all day and left messages and then the MS Nurse called me back and said, "You've got a virus and getting double-whammies!" She reminded me that Viral infections give you the aches and pains, particularly in the joints, and MS can sometimes cause joint pain... badaboom, badabing! Then she reminded me that when I run fevers, which makes the MS worse, I get another badaboom, badabing!
I told her how I was walking like a 95 year old. I asked if it could be anything else - she said - fight the virus, take care of the pain - it will pass.
I'm hitting the Aleve and Neurontin now - and I'll be diligent.
I can't walk up and down my stairs. I can't get up from my chair or sit down to pee without it hurting my knees to bend, my back to hurt, my hips to ache. I can't open a bottle of water, turn a doorknob, wash my hands without feeling pain in every joint in my hands. Particularly my thumbs. :(
I feel like a horrible mom. :( My kids look scared and my daughter is an Angel who keeps helping me. But she's so young :( she shouldn't have to take care of her mommy. :(
I really, really, really, really hate MS. :(
But I soooo hope none of you have to go through this. I hope you're all doing well.
Please take care.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Pain, Pain Go Away, Don't come again another day
I woke up this morning and my right arm was burning again - it was late too, I had to get online and start work. So I hurried up and jumped in the tub, hoping, out of desperation, for a hot bath to make the pain in my arm subside. Instead the water was cold :( And the more I ran it the colder it got, even after doing the 5 minute wait. Thinking that maybe the hot water heater just wasn't "ready".
Then I was reminded of an appointment my son had, so I had to hurry and wash in cold water. It didn't have an effect either way on the numbness in the hand - it was still there and still painful.
I had a conference call today with a client and as soon as I was off the call my daughter made me test my Brain Age on her new DS game. My Brain Age is 80. Nice. I had to shout the color the word was in, not the color the word spelled. It took me a while to get that or I should say for my brain to get that. But even still - I thought I did well - except for the lagging times. :$ Then there was the math... as if - I suck at it already. I remember when I first was diagnosed with MS I went to have my cognition tested and felt rather clever - at the time the doctor said I did better than most people my age who don't have MS. That was 7 years ago. And truly - I was bad at math before - but I seem to have gotten worse. So here's this computer guy telling me I'm old in my brain. Yeah - nice. Like I needed that. Of course then I had to read from Occurrence at... is it Old Creek Bridge... hells bells, I forgot it already. But I do remember the book - or is it a short story? I even remember the movie of it... I think... from Jr. High maybe?
Nice brain - huh?
So my next torture will be on Friday when I do my Wii Fit Plus - can't wait for that lovely stick figure to balloon into a ball when it measure's my BMI. And then the Wii Fit will tell my my health age is 55 or something like that. Or the one I like the best is when it says I'm not steady when I balance. LOL!! And I spend the entire exercise telling it I have MS - like it can hear me.
But for right now - I am again hoping for a good night's sleep without the pain in my arm. The numb area on the foot is still there. But I have only taken one Neurontin.
Well - here's to a good night's sleep!
Take care all!
Then I was reminded of an appointment my son had, so I had to hurry and wash in cold water. It didn't have an effect either way on the numbness in the hand - it was still there and still painful.
I had a conference call today with a client and as soon as I was off the call my daughter made me test my Brain Age on her new DS game. My Brain Age is 80. Nice. I had to shout the color the word was in, not the color the word spelled. It took me a while to get that or I should say for my brain to get that. But even still - I thought I did well - except for the lagging times. :$ Then there was the math... as if - I suck at it already. I remember when I first was diagnosed with MS I went to have my cognition tested and felt rather clever - at the time the doctor said I did better than most people my age who don't have MS. That was 7 years ago. And truly - I was bad at math before - but I seem to have gotten worse. So here's this computer guy telling me I'm old in my brain. Yeah - nice. Like I needed that. Of course then I had to read from Occurrence at... is it Old Creek Bridge... hells bells, I forgot it already. But I do remember the book - or is it a short story? I even remember the movie of it... I think... from Jr. High maybe?
Nice brain - huh?
So my next torture will be on Friday when I do my Wii Fit Plus - can't wait for that lovely stick figure to balloon into a ball when it measure's my BMI. And then the Wii Fit will tell my my health age is 55 or something like that. Or the one I like the best is when it says I'm not steady when I balance. LOL!! And I spend the entire exercise telling it I have MS - like it can hear me.
But for right now - I am again hoping for a good night's sleep without the pain in my arm. The numb area on the foot is still there. But I have only taken one Neurontin.
Well - here's to a good night's sleep!
Take care all!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I didn't win on Ellen
I woke up in pain again, with the burning in my right arm again and the numbness extending from the circle area on my foot to the side of my leg and thought how I wish I had won on Ellen! Two days of her 12 days of giveaways she had those nice beds as a prize. The Sleep Number and the memory foam one -I don't remember the name. I so wish I had one now. Of course, there is the thought that it wouldn't make much of a difference.
So here I am another night, exhausted and really wanting to sleep, but just afraid to go to bed. I don't want to get up there and not be able to get comfortable again or worse - have the pain again. It's just really awful!
I had a glass of wine earlier. I also bought chocolate today and ate too much. The last hurrah before the new year diet that lasts a week... I'm thinking about having another glass. It was good - a nice Reisling from Barefoot. Strange name for a wine? Not really since that's how the grapes used to be crushed. :D
This spot on my foot is just plain weird. Again, I don't notice it unless I touch it. Or when my foot slides down in the sheets of my bed and it just feels so weird. I think I can best describe it as being similar to the electric shock feeling from L'hermites sign. A much smaller scale... but that's pretty much what it feels like when your foot falls asleep and is coming "back to life" so to speak.
Now I'm also getting the numbness in the middle of my back - in a place where you wouldn't normally have numbness. I was hoping this little "glitch" was from my period starting - but what the heck!!
So when do we truly know it's from MS and not from something else? It's really hard to figure out, especially when I talk to family and they say, "Oh, I get that sometimes" - YIKES!!
Yeah - I don't think so...
Today is definitely a voodoo doll day and someone's got my name on the doll with lots of pins in it! I'm really delaying going to bed... now I'm just rambling and looking at Daisy (the beagle) who just is staring back. She's a dog with a lot on her mind. :D I can tell by all the sighs. It's like she's always disappointed. LOL!! I need to go to bed now!!
Norma Lee - enjoy your time with your son! 21 months - what a great age!!
Ashley - enjoy being a kid! :)
I went out with my little one's today on separate errands - and played Hand and Foot with my step-daughter too. I love them all, even my step-daughter's teenage angst. More than anything, I love being able to truly say - it will pass! Just as I keep saying to myself about these pains. They'll pass. But I still would like a more comfortable bed! :D
Nite all!! Sweet dreams!
So here I am another night, exhausted and really wanting to sleep, but just afraid to go to bed. I don't want to get up there and not be able to get comfortable again or worse - have the pain again. It's just really awful!
I had a glass of wine earlier. I also bought chocolate today and ate too much. The last hurrah before the new year diet that lasts a week... I'm thinking about having another glass. It was good - a nice Reisling from Barefoot. Strange name for a wine? Not really since that's how the grapes used to be crushed. :D
This spot on my foot is just plain weird. Again, I don't notice it unless I touch it. Or when my foot slides down in the sheets of my bed and it just feels so weird. I think I can best describe it as being similar to the electric shock feeling from L'hermites sign. A much smaller scale... but that's pretty much what it feels like when your foot falls asleep and is coming "back to life" so to speak.
Now I'm also getting the numbness in the middle of my back - in a place where you wouldn't normally have numbness. I was hoping this little "glitch" was from my period starting - but what the heck!!
So when do we truly know it's from MS and not from something else? It's really hard to figure out, especially when I talk to family and they say, "Oh, I get that sometimes" - YIKES!!
Yeah - I don't think so...
Today is definitely a voodoo doll day and someone's got my name on the doll with lots of pins in it! I'm really delaying going to bed... now I'm just rambling and looking at Daisy (the beagle) who just is staring back. She's a dog with a lot on her mind. :D I can tell by all the sighs. It's like she's always disappointed. LOL!! I need to go to bed now!!
Norma Lee - enjoy your time with your son! 21 months - what a great age!!
Ashley - enjoy being a kid! :)
I went out with my little one's today on separate errands - and played Hand and Foot with my step-daughter too. I love them all, even my step-daughter's teenage angst. More than anything, I love being able to truly say - it will pass! Just as I keep saying to myself about these pains. They'll pass. But I still would like a more comfortable bed! :D
Nite all!! Sweet dreams!
Monday, December 28, 2009
That Numby Feeling
I hope you've all had a wonderful Holiday so far! Christmas was good with the kids, my folks and my step-kids. It's been a very busy week and I'm so tired.
Throughout the last 5 days I've had an area on my right foot that has been numb. It hurts when I touch it. Other than that, I don't notice it, because it's not on my toes or heel - its just on the right top side of my foot and goes down a little on the side- just a little. I can't tell if it's going under the foot, because I can't feel it.
I've never had that before. Usually the numbness goes to the toes and fingers too.
I've also had the numbness down my right arm, only with wretched pain. I keep thinking something is pinched in my back. So I haven't tried neurontin yet.
My baby girl is sitting next to me right now as I write this post. She's asking me what the word Neurontin is. I told her. I'm glad she's old enough now to begin asking more questions. I love you baby girl!!
The look on her face when she opened her DS was just the best feeling in the world. I felt like I was going to cry and thought she would too. She was so happy and I was so happy to get that for her. It made my Christmas.
So did the many compliments to my 4th Boeuf Bourguignon! I did the Julia Childs one again and this time really did the whole thing - the pearl onions and mushrooms and all! It was delicious! Tres Bien! :)
Anyway, I am kind of scared to go to bed because it's been painful. Not just muscle - but the numb arm and pains in my legs. I wish I could have a really nice peaceful sleep. Now that would be delicious!
I hope you all have a wonderful New Year!! Be Safe and here's to a WAY better 2010!!
Happy New Year,
Pamela
Throughout the last 5 days I've had an area on my right foot that has been numb. It hurts when I touch it. Other than that, I don't notice it, because it's not on my toes or heel - its just on the right top side of my foot and goes down a little on the side- just a little. I can't tell if it's going under the foot, because I can't feel it.
I've never had that before. Usually the numbness goes to the toes and fingers too.
I've also had the numbness down my right arm, only with wretched pain. I keep thinking something is pinched in my back. So I haven't tried neurontin yet.
My baby girl is sitting next to me right now as I write this post. She's asking me what the word Neurontin is. I told her. I'm glad she's old enough now to begin asking more questions. I love you baby girl!!
The look on her face when she opened her DS was just the best feeling in the world. I felt like I was going to cry and thought she would too. She was so happy and I was so happy to get that for her. It made my Christmas.
So did the many compliments to my 4th Boeuf Bourguignon! I did the Julia Childs one again and this time really did the whole thing - the pearl onions and mushrooms and all! It was delicious! Tres Bien! :)
Anyway, I am kind of scared to go to bed because it's been painful. Not just muscle - but the numb arm and pains in my legs. I wish I could have a really nice peaceful sleep. Now that would be delicious!
I hope you all have a wonderful New Year!! Be Safe and here's to a WAY better 2010!!
Happy New Year,
Pamela
Monday, December 07, 2009
I got "hugged" today
At least I think I did. And I'm starting to think I get partially "hugged" a lot. That numbness in the middle of my back that feels really tight, I think that may have been an MS "Hug".
But today I felt it big time. It felt like it started in the back and went all the way to the front, but the pain in the back was worse. It wasn't just tightness it was also pain.
So that's how things have been lately with the good 'ol MS. I had a good scan in the summer, but my body doesn't read those scans so doesn't really care when the doc says everything looks good. My immune system says, "Ha-ha!! I'll see about that!" Then I get a cold or my period and Voila! Slam right in the right arm with numbness every day, pretty much. I can't hold a fork sometime the numbness is so bad. I've had the pain down the left leg for over a month. Since it doesn't seem to be as bad so far this week, I'm hoping that ones going away. But the hug, well, it was a couple of hours ago and I've been too busy to look it up. Isn't that funny?
It feels tight still - but not like it did when it happened. When it happened I remembered hearing Montel Williams talk about it and I remember thinking at the time, I've never had that thank God! Well, I think I knew right away what it was. So I looked it up. What I found said that it can be in one side or the other or both. So I'm thinking, some of those other numb back feeling are partial hugs! Awwww - I love hugs!! But I'll skip these if I may! :D
We're so close to Christmas and I can't wait and my kids are absolute terrors and I know its because they're spoiled rotten and they just KNOW they'll get all that they ask for :( I'm a horrible mom! I just want them to appreciate it and have fun and think it's special. They've heard enough fighting around here.
Poor Kate had to help me get up the other day and my Will came to help too. Needless to say they have a lot to deal with for 9 and 5 year olds. :( So I want this Christmas to be really happy for them.
I know I didn't stay with the affirmations. It's hard to come up with positives when you're deep in the negative. But I'm trying again.
So how 'bout this one - "I am a loving, huggable woman and loving mom who is looking forward to a happy Christmas". Like that huggable part! Heck I even hug myself. LOL!! That's just not really funny - but it is!
I hope you're all well. Please take care! If I don't write back before the holiday, please have a wonderful safe, happy and healthy Holiday and NEW YEAR!!
But today I felt it big time. It felt like it started in the back and went all the way to the front, but the pain in the back was worse. It wasn't just tightness it was also pain.
So that's how things have been lately with the good 'ol MS. I had a good scan in the summer, but my body doesn't read those scans so doesn't really care when the doc says everything looks good. My immune system says, "Ha-ha!! I'll see about that!" Then I get a cold or my period and Voila! Slam right in the right arm with numbness every day, pretty much. I can't hold a fork sometime the numbness is so bad. I've had the pain down the left leg for over a month. Since it doesn't seem to be as bad so far this week, I'm hoping that ones going away. But the hug, well, it was a couple of hours ago and I've been too busy to look it up. Isn't that funny?
It feels tight still - but not like it did when it happened. When it happened I remembered hearing Montel Williams talk about it and I remember thinking at the time, I've never had that thank God! Well, I think I knew right away what it was. So I looked it up. What I found said that it can be in one side or the other or both. So I'm thinking, some of those other numb back feeling are partial hugs! Awwww - I love hugs!! But I'll skip these if I may! :D
We're so close to Christmas and I can't wait and my kids are absolute terrors and I know its because they're spoiled rotten and they just KNOW they'll get all that they ask for :( I'm a horrible mom! I just want them to appreciate it and have fun and think it's special. They've heard enough fighting around here.
Poor Kate had to help me get up the other day and my Will came to help too. Needless to say they have a lot to deal with for 9 and 5 year olds. :( So I want this Christmas to be really happy for them.
I know I didn't stay with the affirmations. It's hard to come up with positives when you're deep in the negative. But I'm trying again.
So how 'bout this one - "I am a loving, huggable woman and loving mom who is looking forward to a happy Christmas". Like that huggable part! Heck I even hug myself. LOL!! That's just not really funny - but it is!
I hope you're all well. Please take care! If I don't write back before the holiday, please have a wonderful safe, happy and healthy Holiday and NEW YEAR!!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Affirmations & Frustrations
I just logged in to enter my new affirmation and I hear my daughter is torturing my son by not leaving his room. Then she smacked him. SIGH. Some day, he's going to haul off and let her have it and she'll look at me all bewildered. I think I'll just look at her with that look that says, "What did you expect?"
After I write this affirmation I'll go up and do the, "Slumber party this weekend can still be cancelled" threat - which never works, but it's something.
I found this quote today - I can't find who said it, but it's everywhere on the internet... "Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."
I think that says it all about my life this past week and my new today. I'm happier than I have been in so long and more hopeful then ever. I'm still cautious, but my heart is soaring! :)
With that, here is my afirmation: "I am a strong, intelligent woman and I can be honest and take risks without fear, but with love and courage."
Have a great night!
After I write this affirmation I'll go up and do the, "Slumber party this weekend can still be cancelled" threat - which never works, but it's something.
I found this quote today - I can't find who said it, but it's everywhere on the internet... "Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."
I think that says it all about my life this past week and my new today. I'm happier than I have been in so long and more hopeful then ever. I'm still cautious, but my heart is soaring! :)
With that, here is my afirmation: "I am a strong, intelligent woman and I can be honest and take risks without fear, but with love and courage."
Have a great night!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Saturday Affirmation
I think for today I can affirm that I have a dog that will always lick my toes and my feet or anywhere on my legs or face - though I try so hard to get her to stop. I should teach her to be a Care dog. Of course if I ever needed her to pull me around anywhere she'd drag me 100 mph by the hair, most likely.
So to prevent that I've been walking again - not that I wasn't walking before - but taking this crazy Beagle for walks. Trying to get away from the fear and heartache I'm experiencing.
All it's done for me so far is give me a blister on my heel. Oh, and make me realize that my dog has gotten out of her "training" mode. I need to train her again. I also need to train the kids on how to train her. For right now, walking I can do - its the fastest thing I can do to get out of the house without thinking too much.
Ok - affirmation for today - "I'm a good person and I am trusting the process of life."
So to prevent that I've been walking again - not that I wasn't walking before - but taking this crazy Beagle for walks. Trying to get away from the fear and heartache I'm experiencing.
All it's done for me so far is give me a blister on my heel. Oh, and make me realize that my dog has gotten out of her "training" mode. I need to train her again. I also need to train the kids on how to train her. For right now, walking I can do - its the fastest thing I can do to get out of the house without thinking too much.
Ok - affirmation for today - "I'm a good person and I am trusting the process of life."
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Strength - not for the faint of heart
It has been so long since I wrote. I've been going through relationship issues. Not the best time in my life. The MS - well, it's still there. I think the fact that it's there is why I'm so scared of my future alone. Wondering who would ever love an overweight, 42 year old woman with more facial hair then she should have.
I spoke to a very good friend today and my (still) husband. They both told me that I'm strong. I tried to explain that every since being diagnosed I've slowly been feeling more and more scared of my future and actually maybe needing someone to take care of me.
I'm a control freak. I like to be in control and for the first time I lost it. My heart lost it too. And now I have to gain it back and push the fact that I have MS out of my mind and not let it deter my future.
So - maybe I'll start with a daily affirmation on here. Or at least a weekly one.
Today's is - I'm a beutiful loving woman, courageously loving myself and trusting others. YIKES! That's a new one!
I am also going to dedicate a lot more time to my babies. My son is in Kindergarten now and having a rough time. I hate that. I want to make them feel safe - even if I don't. :(
I also realize - My son doesn't really understand what is wrong with me yet. I don't want him to think sadness is a big part of his life since I am always sad. My poor kids. :(
Well - I'll repeat my affirmation - "I'm a beautiful loving woman, courageously loving myself and trusting others."
I hope anyone who reads this still can do an affirmation too. Take care!
I spoke to a very good friend today and my (still) husband. They both told me that I'm strong. I tried to explain that every since being diagnosed I've slowly been feeling more and more scared of my future and actually maybe needing someone to take care of me.
I'm a control freak. I like to be in control and for the first time I lost it. My heart lost it too. And now I have to gain it back and push the fact that I have MS out of my mind and not let it deter my future.
So - maybe I'll start with a daily affirmation on here. Or at least a weekly one.
Today's is - I'm a beutiful loving woman, courageously loving myself and trusting others. YIKES! That's a new one!
I am also going to dedicate a lot more time to my babies. My son is in Kindergarten now and having a rough time. I hate that. I want to make them feel safe - even if I don't. :(
I also realize - My son doesn't really understand what is wrong with me yet. I don't want him to think sadness is a big part of his life since I am always sad. My poor kids. :(
Well - I'll repeat my affirmation - "I'm a beautiful loving woman, courageously loving myself and trusting others."
I hope anyone who reads this still can do an affirmation too. Take care!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Neurontin is working
I got out today - drove the car too! Took my daughter to a Girl Scout event for her to earn a new Try-It and I was able to stand and talk with the other moms and not feel over tired. And it even got hot in the building and I did ok.
I did have fatigue this morning and took a looooong nap when it hit. But when I woke up I felt really good.
I still have the electrical shock sensation when I bend my head forward - but not as prominent as it has been.
None of the wretched burning sensation though - THANK GOODNESS!!! KNOCK ON WOOD!! :)
After Kate and I went to her GS event we picked up her Dad and Will and we went to see Monsters Vs. Aliens. It was awesome and we laughed out loud!
Go see it if you can!
Please take care everyone!!
I did have fatigue this morning and took a looooong nap when it hit. But when I woke up I felt really good.
I still have the electrical shock sensation when I bend my head forward - but not as prominent as it has been.
None of the wretched burning sensation though - THANK GOODNESS!!! KNOCK ON WOOD!! :)
After Kate and I went to her GS event we picked up her Dad and Will and we went to see Monsters Vs. Aliens. It was awesome and we laughed out loud!
Go see it if you can!
Please take care everyone!!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
That Shocking Feeling
It's baaaaaaaccccckkkkk...... :(
I've been having painful things, fatigue and what not for the past couple of weeks. I had also started noticing, just a little - very slight, the electric shock feeling when I bend my neck forward. This weekend I just started noticing it more. It's not the feeling I had when I got diagnosed. That one would radiate down my left side, into my arm and fingers and down my leg to my toes.
This time it's more isolated to my back and when I'm sitting it moves from there to the top of my right thigh.
I've also had this horrid sharp burning pain that goes from the shoulder area up to the base of my head on the left side of my neck. And I feel it through my arms in places too. Like I will feel that feeling in a very, very dull form starting in my arms and shoulders and then it will go away. Then out of the blue I'll have that burning pain and it does me in. I feel exhausted after it. And sad.
I am very sad right now. I want this to go away. I want MS to go away. I hate MS.
I'm back on Neurontin in a progressive way so the fatigue side effect doesn't just lay me flat - not that the current fatigue isn't doing that already. The nurse wants me to try for 9 days to see how it goes. So in 9 days this will be over? In 9 days I'll have an idea if this was just a pain thing or a relapse? What's the difference between plaque on the spine and a lesion? :( I should know this by now.
I just am trying to get through today really. I need to. It's not been a good day at all. Well, or yesterday. Just really sad. This stuff always makes me really very sad.
I hope everyone else is a thousand times better than I am right now!
Please take care.
I've been having painful things, fatigue and what not for the past couple of weeks. I had also started noticing, just a little - very slight, the electric shock feeling when I bend my neck forward. This weekend I just started noticing it more. It's not the feeling I had when I got diagnosed. That one would radiate down my left side, into my arm and fingers and down my leg to my toes.
This time it's more isolated to my back and when I'm sitting it moves from there to the top of my right thigh.
I've also had this horrid sharp burning pain that goes from the shoulder area up to the base of my head on the left side of my neck. And I feel it through my arms in places too. Like I will feel that feeling in a very, very dull form starting in my arms and shoulders and then it will go away. Then out of the blue I'll have that burning pain and it does me in. I feel exhausted after it. And sad.
I am very sad right now. I want this to go away. I want MS to go away. I hate MS.
I'm back on Neurontin in a progressive way so the fatigue side effect doesn't just lay me flat - not that the current fatigue isn't doing that already. The nurse wants me to try for 9 days to see how it goes. So in 9 days this will be over? In 9 days I'll have an idea if this was just a pain thing or a relapse? What's the difference between plaque on the spine and a lesion? :( I should know this by now.
I just am trying to get through today really. I need to. It's not been a good day at all. Well, or yesterday. Just really sad. This stuff always makes me really very sad.
I hope everyone else is a thousand times better than I am right now!
Please take care.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
What's to look forward to?
I've been wondering about this blog. Like should I keep it? Does it help? All those things.
But the big one is the title "Looking forward with Multiple Sclerosis".
When I first started this I'm fairly certain that I was saying I was looking forward to things even though I have MS.
I still am - but never really thought of all those things I'm looking forward to.
Here are a few things that I've been thinking of lately - but I've categorized them.
What I'm looking forward to in my life:
But the big one is the title "Looking forward with Multiple Sclerosis".
When I first started this I'm fairly certain that I was saying I was looking forward to things even though I have MS.
I still am - but never really thought of all those things I'm looking forward to.
Here are a few things that I've been thinking of lately - but I've categorized them.
What I'm looking forward to in my life:
- My kids to stop fighting some day. Which they're doing now.
- My kids to fight intelligently - without the sticking out of the tongue.
- My kids to keep learning and doing so well in school.
- Will to start kindergarten this year.
- Kate to be that great big sister she has been and is becoming more of. Much more tolerant then before.
- Both of them to graduate from High School, then College!
- Both of them having families of their own. I really look forward to that. I'll be old - but I'll still be around. I really want to be.
- I really can't wait till I can pay off some bills.
- Looking forward to the economy improving - can't help adding that - it's a current worry.
- I want to get the beagle in agility classes - looking forward to her doing well at that. She's a smart puppy!
- Being able to spend time with my best friend.
- Being with my folks!
- Playing with the kids.
- having our team at work doing really, really well. :) Can't help that one either - it's a current want.
- Right now - I'm really looking forward to Sunny and 70!!
What I'm looking forward to if there is a cure or oral medication for MS:
- A cure!
- Not having to take shots! OMG - I can't even begin to express how much I'm looking forward to that. I mean - if I don't HAVE to take it - then I won't even have to feel the guilt of skipping when I sometimes do. :(
- Even if I still have MS - taking Oral medication instead of the shot.
- Have I mentioned - not having to take the shots?
- Being able to take a shower and when I wash my arms, thighs, hips, and stomach, not having to feel the painful bruises from the shots or the bumps.
- Not having grossly indented skin - worse then cellulite.
- Not being soooooooooooo fatigued all the time.
- Being able to wake up from a nights sleep and not feel like I need to go back to bed forever.
- Being happier.
- No more excruitiating sharp pains that come up my neck into my head.
- No more feeling numb or tingles in my fingers, hands, legs, middle of my back, thighs, heels, and even in my head - so weird - like my hair is standing up.
- No more feeling like someone's using a VooDoo doll with my name on it.
- I could go on and on.
What I'm looking forward to with MS:
- The 7th year my team participates in the MS Walk is this April - I'm looking forward to that and really hope we can make our goal.
- The next Webcast on dealing with symptoms and hearing about the latest research.
- Hearing about people who have had specific treatments for MS and are doing so much better.
- I'm looking forward to hearing that people who have visible disabilities with MS, that they can get a treatment that reverses MS. I heard about that and that would be lovely.
- I'm making these bracelets for my team members - in the MS Walk colors - I'm looking forward to giving those to the girls and I hope they like them.
- Looking forward to reading some of these blogs and hearing that people are feeling better.
That's about it in a nutshell. I could go on forever - but who has that much time? We're all so busy.
If anyone is still reading - I hope you like the new background and look of the site. I wanted something a bit more cheerful and there are these free blog backgrounds, so this one made me smile and I grabbed it.
Take care all!
Thanks for reading!
Pamela
Sunday, February 22, 2009
MS Walk & MS Awareness
I have said before that I haven't gone to groups and not one to talk to others about MS.
I don't really know what to say in person. It seems to be easier to put down my complaints and experiences on this thing. More like not facing it in others :(.
My family and I went to the Gateway Chapter's MS Walk Kickoff party. It was really enlightening. Hearing from others who walk and are trying to raise money.
There was a woman there with MS who shared some of her experiences with the disease and she is a volunteer and does so much for the society.
I feel a little lacking in the area of support. I make the MS Walk my yearly contribution and sometimes it's so hard to ask for donations. After 7 years of doing the walk, I feel bad to ask the same family and friends - but also so incredibly grateful and amazed when they continue to do so.
There was something this woman said that made me feel reminded that I'm not alone. She talked about the fatigue. And oh my gosh, how I have tried the last year to make it not a big deal.
When I've felt fatigued lately, I take a nap and think I'm sick or coming down with something.
I always tell someone - just let me rest my eyes for a bit and "I hate this feeling". Which I do. I absolutely hate it. But this woman also made me nervous. She retired at 45, I think she said. I am going to be 42 this year and work long hours and really don't want to lose this job. So I'm going to work extra hard to take care of myself so I don't have to worry about it.
Like - work extra hard to take naps. LOL!! Sounds so funny to say!
So, while I'm back in awareness of my MS, we're fast approaching the MS Awareness week and I'm hoping to raise at least $3,000 for this years MS Walk.
I feel much more hopeful that there is a cure on the horizon. Just by seeing some of the advances made in the last year - like the stem cell procedure. Would be incredible.
I hope you're all well!
Don't forget about MS Awareness week March 2-8! And please contribute and ask friends to contribute to the MS Walk (my team is walking in the St. Peters, MO walk! :)), MS Challenge walk and all those brave people with MS who do the 50 miles there! They are amazing! and finally the MS Bike ride.
These are all great opportunities to raise money for further research and to provide the Chapters with the ability to provide for so many with Multiple Sclerosis!
Take care!
Pamela
I don't really know what to say in person. It seems to be easier to put down my complaints and experiences on this thing. More like not facing it in others :(.
My family and I went to the Gateway Chapter's MS Walk Kickoff party. It was really enlightening. Hearing from others who walk and are trying to raise money.
There was a woman there with MS who shared some of her experiences with the disease and she is a volunteer and does so much for the society.
I feel a little lacking in the area of support. I make the MS Walk my yearly contribution and sometimes it's so hard to ask for donations. After 7 years of doing the walk, I feel bad to ask the same family and friends - but also so incredibly grateful and amazed when they continue to do so.
There was something this woman said that made me feel reminded that I'm not alone. She talked about the fatigue. And oh my gosh, how I have tried the last year to make it not a big deal.
When I've felt fatigued lately, I take a nap and think I'm sick or coming down with something.
I always tell someone - just let me rest my eyes for a bit and "I hate this feeling". Which I do. I absolutely hate it. But this woman also made me nervous. She retired at 45, I think she said. I am going to be 42 this year and work long hours and really don't want to lose this job. So I'm going to work extra hard to take care of myself so I don't have to worry about it.
Like - work extra hard to take naps. LOL!! Sounds so funny to say!
So, while I'm back in awareness of my MS, we're fast approaching the MS Awareness week and I'm hoping to raise at least $3,000 for this years MS Walk.
I feel much more hopeful that there is a cure on the horizon. Just by seeing some of the advances made in the last year - like the stem cell procedure. Would be incredible.
I hope you're all well!
Don't forget about MS Awareness week March 2-8! And please contribute and ask friends to contribute to the MS Walk (my team is walking in the St. Peters, MO walk! :)), MS Challenge walk and all those brave people with MS who do the 50 miles there! They are amazing! and finally the MS Bike ride.
These are all great opportunities to raise money for further research and to provide the Chapters with the ability to provide for so many with Multiple Sclerosis!
Take care!
Pamela
Monday, January 26, 2009
Happy New Year - belated
I need sun!
I traveled last week by having to drive to two client locations in Illinois - all snowy and freezing cold. And it's followed me home. We're supposed to get a big storm. Blech!!
While on my trip I did a bad thing and forgot my shots. Oh well - like I was really disappointed that I didn't have to give myself a shot for two days. If I could put in that little emoticon that bats it's eyes, that's the one I'd put right here. :)
To the person who is going to use my blog for their research, I couldn't be more flattered!! I hope I help in some way. :$ - that's the embarrassed emoticon. :)
I've been trying to find some old MS bloggers and some of their pages are gone or haven't been updated in over a year. I know how that goes - but I hope everyone is still ok.
I feel ok - sometimes doubting myself a lot - but for so many more other reasons then MS. I do feel that the Wii Fit has helped me feel better physically. Although if I have to hear my trainer say to me one more time, "I've noticed that your left side is a little shaky..." UGH!! Ya think? :D all I can do is say, "no sh*t!" and then continue with my Yoga. If I ever accomplish the Tree Pose without falling on my face I will be so proud of myself.
I'm excited about the MS Walk in April. I hope it's warmer than last year!! I just feel like things are getting closer, and that there is something on the horizon MS wise that will be amazing!
I hope I'm right!
Take care all, I hope you're all well!
I traveled last week by having to drive to two client locations in Illinois - all snowy and freezing cold. And it's followed me home. We're supposed to get a big storm. Blech!!
While on my trip I did a bad thing and forgot my shots. Oh well - like I was really disappointed that I didn't have to give myself a shot for two days. If I could put in that little emoticon that bats it's eyes, that's the one I'd put right here. :)
To the person who is going to use my blog for their research, I couldn't be more flattered!! I hope I help in some way. :$ - that's the embarrassed emoticon. :)
I've been trying to find some old MS bloggers and some of their pages are gone or haven't been updated in over a year. I know how that goes - but I hope everyone is still ok.
I feel ok - sometimes doubting myself a lot - but for so many more other reasons then MS. I do feel that the Wii Fit has helped me feel better physically. Although if I have to hear my trainer say to me one more time, "I've noticed that your left side is a little shaky..." UGH!! Ya think? :D all I can do is say, "no sh*t!" and then continue with my Yoga. If I ever accomplish the Tree Pose without falling on my face I will be so proud of myself.
I'm excited about the MS Walk in April. I hope it's warmer than last year!! I just feel like things are getting closer, and that there is something on the horizon MS wise that will be amazing!
I hope I'm right!
Take care all, I hope you're all well!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Been a very long time
Hi,
It's been so long since I last updated this. I'm doing pretty well. The depression has subsided considerably and when there are the occasions that I get sad, I'm able to overcome them much easier. And think of my children when those times are bad which lifts me up.
In April we got a Beagle puppy, Daisy, she's adorable and a handful and has been a great companion to me. So she has helped as well. She and my best friend and my kids and my folks. They've all helped me out of my slump.
I did have a sad moment when I got really dizzy, where I would fall over when I stood up, get carsick, etc. I was so worried the day it got really bad that it was my MS. But I got to my new Physician that same day and she said I had an inner ear infection and I had developed Vertigo, but she had me go to see my Neurologist to make sure. I went to one of the nurse practitioner's with my Neurologist's office the next morning and she said I was doing really well and she believed it was vertigo from inner ear too and not from MS. Thank GOD!! I cried I was so happy it wasn't a flare up.
The only other thing was that a week after that I had a lymph node in my neck get enlarged and it was probably from the inner ear infection, but I got on heavy duty antibiotics and it was much better.
So I'm doing so much better. Other than weight - lol - but whatever - I'll knock that out too. We got a Wii this Christmas so I've already been rally active with that and even set up my routine on Wii Fit.
I've gotten a few comments from folks - I hope you're all doing really well. One comment says the person has had MS for 32 years - I call that encouragement really. Please all take care!
Have a wonderful New Year and I hope you're all healthy and prosperous (despite the economy) in the coming year and years ahead. And in a few more years who knows - a cure for MS!! Can't hurt to be optimistic!!
It's been so long since I last updated this. I'm doing pretty well. The depression has subsided considerably and when there are the occasions that I get sad, I'm able to overcome them much easier. And think of my children when those times are bad which lifts me up.
In April we got a Beagle puppy, Daisy, she's adorable and a handful and has been a great companion to me. So she has helped as well. She and my best friend and my kids and my folks. They've all helped me out of my slump.
I did have a sad moment when I got really dizzy, where I would fall over when I stood up, get carsick, etc. I was so worried the day it got really bad that it was my MS. But I got to my new Physician that same day and she said I had an inner ear infection and I had developed Vertigo, but she had me go to see my Neurologist to make sure. I went to one of the nurse practitioner's with my Neurologist's office the next morning and she said I was doing really well and she believed it was vertigo from inner ear too and not from MS. Thank GOD!! I cried I was so happy it wasn't a flare up.
The only other thing was that a week after that I had a lymph node in my neck get enlarged and it was probably from the inner ear infection, but I got on heavy duty antibiotics and it was much better.
So I'm doing so much better. Other than weight - lol - but whatever - I'll knock that out too. We got a Wii this Christmas so I've already been rally active with that and even set up my routine on Wii Fit.
I've gotten a few comments from folks - I hope you're all doing really well. One comment says the person has had MS for 32 years - I call that encouragement really. Please all take care!
Have a wonderful New Year and I hope you're all healthy and prosperous (despite the economy) in the coming year and years ahead. And in a few more years who knows - a cure for MS!! Can't hurt to be optimistic!!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Feeling better
I'm feeling better.
I went off the Zoloft and back to my Celexa. I also took the Neurontin and the itching stopped. Of course fatigue kicked in double-time, but it always does at this time of the month too. SIGH!
My mom's Aunt died... it was a couple days after my lowest point. My mom was so upset, I knew at that moment I needed to get strong again. I went up for the funeral and also got to see my best friend and came home a bit more clear headed. Not so tragic.
The day I left to go up for the funeral, I also spoke with a new MS Counselor and it just helped talking to someone a lot. Someone who could give me that objective view and remind me, "This is MS".
My kids are so great! My son makes me giggle every day and my daughter amazes me with her fabulous talent and intelligence.
A lot to stay strong for. The best thing the counselor said is that I'm struggling with the asking part. I've always been the one to take care of others and having to ask for someone to do that for me just about breaks my heart. It's extremely humbling. Especially when I'm physically capable now to take care of myself.
Right now my son is playing his Thomas the Train laptop and he just turned it upside down, so the screen is on his lap and he's holding it up to his face closely - and keeps hitting the "Train Whistle" button. Now that's what I wish I had on my laptop! LOL! Forget extra memory - I need a train whistle. Such a great kid. He's tired and needs to nap and is fighting it. He's so like me! Only - it's really hard to fight a nap with fatigue - but believe me, I've tried. And I probably act just like my son does. :-)
You know, I really and truly appreciate all my readers. I know I haven't been helpful lately, but you all need to know that your comments have helped me tremendously. Thank you so much!
I hope you're all well - we're on the last legs of Winter - and hopefully it goes by quickly! The no sun days aren't very helpful with depression. DUH! :-)
Please take care, stay warm and stay safe!
I went off the Zoloft and back to my Celexa. I also took the Neurontin and the itching stopped. Of course fatigue kicked in double-time, but it always does at this time of the month too. SIGH!
My mom's Aunt died... it was a couple days after my lowest point. My mom was so upset, I knew at that moment I needed to get strong again. I went up for the funeral and also got to see my best friend and came home a bit more clear headed. Not so tragic.
The day I left to go up for the funeral, I also spoke with a new MS Counselor and it just helped talking to someone a lot. Someone who could give me that objective view and remind me, "This is MS".
My kids are so great! My son makes me giggle every day and my daughter amazes me with her fabulous talent and intelligence.
A lot to stay strong for. The best thing the counselor said is that I'm struggling with the asking part. I've always been the one to take care of others and having to ask for someone to do that for me just about breaks my heart. It's extremely humbling. Especially when I'm physically capable now to take care of myself.
Right now my son is playing his Thomas the Train laptop and he just turned it upside down, so the screen is on his lap and he's holding it up to his face closely - and keeps hitting the "Train Whistle" button. Now that's what I wish I had on my laptop! LOL! Forget extra memory - I need a train whistle. Such a great kid. He's tired and needs to nap and is fighting it. He's so like me! Only - it's really hard to fight a nap with fatigue - but believe me, I've tried. And I probably act just like my son does. :-)
You know, I really and truly appreciate all my readers. I know I haven't been helpful lately, but you all need to know that your comments have helped me tremendously. Thank you so much!
I hope you're all well - we're on the last legs of Winter - and hopefully it goes by quickly! The no sun days aren't very helpful with depression. DUH! :-)
Please take care, stay warm and stay safe!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Thoughts Scare Me
I haven't been doing so good with the depression. I don't like the Zoloft - at all. I thought maybe it was bringing me clarity - but instead it's making me feel so much more like giving up. Very wrong I know.
I love my kids so much and don't want to do anything to them - leave them without a mom. That would be the most selfish thing in the world. I agree with one of the comments, my daughter is picking up on my depression. She's really been acting up a lot more lately, but has made me a lot of pictures. My son, he snuggles with me more. They are the cutest, most lovable children. I'm proud to be their mommy. I so want to get past this so I can be better for them.
I have some personal issues on the home front that I'm battling. So that's difficult.
I got a cold - just a virus last week or so - had the cough, etc, so that made me more tired, feeling just overall yucky anyway. Makes the depression worse. As well as days of no sun. It's awful. I had sun days two days in a row this week and felt so much better. Today it wasn't sunny and neither was my day.
Since Monday, I've been itching like crazy. And worrying that it's something bad. Today I finally looked up the MS systems again and itching is one. I have probably seen that on "the list" before, but since I never had an itching problem before I never thought much about it.
I tried to call my Neurologist earlier this week about my depression getting worse but never got a call back from her secretary and when one of the MS Nurses called me back she said, "You're seeing a counselor on Thursday, I think you can wait, don't you?" I thought, well hell - I guess I'll wait. But now, don't feel like waiting for the secretary call me back about itching.
The write up on itching says that since it's probably neuropathic, Neurontin is one of the things used to control that. So I popped a Neurontin. I'll take another one before I go to bed. Hopefully that helps. Even though I hate that crap.
I'm sorry - I'm just rambling and complaining. I want to be happier. I have really great friends. I had a long talk with one of my friends this morning who is really fabulous. And my best friend has been there for me all day - and all week through all of this. There's no reason to feel like this.
I hope you're all doing well.
Take care!
I love my kids so much and don't want to do anything to them - leave them without a mom. That would be the most selfish thing in the world. I agree with one of the comments, my daughter is picking up on my depression. She's really been acting up a lot more lately, but has made me a lot of pictures. My son, he snuggles with me more. They are the cutest, most lovable children. I'm proud to be their mommy. I so want to get past this so I can be better for them.
I have some personal issues on the home front that I'm battling. So that's difficult.
I got a cold - just a virus last week or so - had the cough, etc, so that made me more tired, feeling just overall yucky anyway. Makes the depression worse. As well as days of no sun. It's awful. I had sun days two days in a row this week and felt so much better. Today it wasn't sunny and neither was my day.
Since Monday, I've been itching like crazy. And worrying that it's something bad. Today I finally looked up the MS systems again and itching is one. I have probably seen that on "the list" before, but since I never had an itching problem before I never thought much about it.
I tried to call my Neurologist earlier this week about my depression getting worse but never got a call back from her secretary and when one of the MS Nurses called me back she said, "You're seeing a counselor on Thursday, I think you can wait, don't you?" I thought, well hell - I guess I'll wait. But now, don't feel like waiting for the secretary call me back about itching.
The write up on itching says that since it's probably neuropathic, Neurontin is one of the things used to control that. So I popped a Neurontin. I'll take another one before I go to bed. Hopefully that helps. Even though I hate that crap.
I'm sorry - I'm just rambling and complaining. I want to be happier. I have really great friends. I had a long talk with one of my friends this morning who is really fabulous. And my best friend has been there for me all day - and all week through all of this. There's no reason to feel like this.
I hope you're all doing well.
Take care!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Update - I'm a walking contradition
Hi,
I'm sorry for not keeping up on this.
I hope you're all doing well and looking forward to, or already enjoying the holidays.
I had a really good MRI in November. I then had a really good follow-up appointment with my doc who said that my disease is really mild. I even "celebrated" my 5 year anniversary of my diagnosis because I'm doing well, even though I've had it for over 5 years.
The one disease my doc wants to get a handle on is my depression. I have my moments. Today and yesterday, haven't been included in those moments.
I almost lost my best friend today because I pushed so much. I think about, well, I don't have to go there.
I really hate myself like this. I feel needy when I've been so independent. I am doing great MS wise, strength, etc, but all I want to do is ball up and have someone take care of me. Now, when I don't physically need anyone to take care of me, I just want that so much. I feel guilty for wanting that. I feel guilty when I take things too personally. When I mess up I feel like it's the end of the world.
The worst part of all of this is I'm doing so well other than this depression. I have so much to be grateful for and instead I cry at the drop of a hat. It's very hard to get up in the mornings.
But I do have to say that I still do it. I'm still getting up and going about my day.
So, I'm switching antidepressants, but after the holidays are over. I'm hoping that the transition is smooth and this one helps me. I need to get through this. I need to be as strong mentally again as I am physically.
I'll get there.
I really hope you're all doing well. Here's to a HAPPY 2008 and maybe this will be the year they'll get that cure!!
I'm sorry for not keeping up on this.
I hope you're all doing well and looking forward to, or already enjoying the holidays.
I had a really good MRI in November. I then had a really good follow-up appointment with my doc who said that my disease is really mild. I even "celebrated" my 5 year anniversary of my diagnosis because I'm doing well, even though I've had it for over 5 years.
The one disease my doc wants to get a handle on is my depression. I have my moments. Today and yesterday, haven't been included in those moments.
I almost lost my best friend today because I pushed so much. I think about, well, I don't have to go there.
I really hate myself like this. I feel needy when I've been so independent. I am doing great MS wise, strength, etc, but all I want to do is ball up and have someone take care of me. Now, when I don't physically need anyone to take care of me, I just want that so much. I feel guilty for wanting that. I feel guilty when I take things too personally. When I mess up I feel like it's the end of the world.
The worst part of all of this is I'm doing so well other than this depression. I have so much to be grateful for and instead I cry at the drop of a hat. It's very hard to get up in the mornings.
But I do have to say that I still do it. I'm still getting up and going about my day.
So, I'm switching antidepressants, but after the holidays are over. I'm hoping that the transition is smooth and this one helps me. I need to get through this. I need to be as strong mentally again as I am physically.
I'll get there.
I really hope you're all doing well. Here's to a HAPPY 2008 and maybe this will be the year they'll get that cure!!
Sunday, October 07, 2007
How Shocking!
Ok - I figured it out. While lying on my bed crying and going over everything I've done today to be "good" and asking "GOD" to take care of my kids, I realized what I felt like.
Have you ever been shocked? I was, when I was 8 or 9 or 10 - don't remember exactly - but I was helping my Dad paint the garage and I was responsible for taking the switch plates off the walls. That's when I got myself - the screw driver slipped right into the socket and gave me a jolt. I didn't realize what it was - when I did it again - I realized... I just got shocked (twice). I still can't describe the feeling exactly, a sudden rush of pain and lack of control that surges through the body but then goes away as quickly as it came.
THAT is what I've been experiencing. It's different from the electric shock feeling I get when I bend my neck forward. That one - and yes, I fear that feeling, that one just surges through one side of my body.
This feeling, it seems to be generating from my CORE - that's all I can think - Like a wire of energy surging out through my middle - but seems to be triggering more shock on my right side.
I went for a deep tissue massage today and it was really good - painful, but I felt like my shoulders were finally relaxing a bit. When I got home my husband, kids and step-kids had cleaned up the house and my husband was still vacuuming. I was so grateful. Then the vacuum broke. And Bill just kvetched the entire time, "I HATE THIS THING, I've always hated this thing..." yada, yada, yada. I was so calm, I told him I agreed, that Consumer Reports had the ratings for Vacuums in a recent issues, so I looked it up and said, "I'm going to go buy this one."
I was relaxed, I even gave the power nozzle, which is what broke, to Bill and said, 'Take it outside and beat the crap out of it, it will make you feel better." Then I had my step-son take the rest of the vacuum down to our basement so we can still use the working parts down there.
Then I left for the mall. I knew what I wanted, I knew where to go. I got into the store and I got so dizzy I thought I was going to pass out.
I had that same "tight" feeling I used to get in the base of my head, top of my neck that made me feel if I gave into it my head would fall off (I know - very strange, but I can't find another way to describe it). Only this time, the tight feeling was throughout my body, in my legs, my head, my neck, my arms, right more than left. And the more I walked, the dizzier I got. I even thought for a moment, ok - just let it take you and there are enough people here that someone would call someone, everything would be ok. But I didn't fall over, and I didn't pass out, and I just kept walking.
I even tried out the vacuum, and in my state thought the vacuum was heavy because I was feeling really weak (unfortunately, the vacuum IS heavy - but we own it now - so oh well - it sucks great though!).
I had enough distractions, that the weak, dizzy feeling was still there but not as strongly. I feel like my eyes are big and I probably look like a deer in headlights - like I'm trying to focus more. To others I probably look scared. I am.
I was dizzy getting in the car, dizzy driving... tried to concentrate while driving and I called my mom and told her it was still happening. "Go home and lie down."
Nope - I still had another task. I went to Lowe's and bought some Mums to plant in a container my folks gave us - I picked out beautiful purples and yellows with pink and purple tinges to them, and pink and while - just beautiful. Then I got home and planted them, cleaned spider webs from my front porch, hosed down my entire house, sweated, and made myself exhausted.
I went up to take a shower and the whole time I was in there I just felt like I was being shocked repeatedly. I started bawling and got out of the shower just ready to give up. I cried to my husband who said it was because I didn't drink enough water or that I had a big day. I didn't do anything too exerting. I tried to explain the feeling I had. I told him I felt like I have a rod going down the middle of my body just shocking the crap out of me. Then I said, "I do, it's my central nervous system."
I see my neuro this Wednesday and I really can't wait. I don't know what she'll say or what information I'll gather. I just hope she has some info. Also, I have to tell her I've only taken my shot 3 times this week... I'll take it tonight, but that will mean that I skipped 3 days this week. That's the most I've ever skipped in a week. SIGH.
So... I don't know why I posted all of this. I feel good being able to put some kind of description with what I'm going through... just wish sharing it made it go away.
Thank you for all of your great supportive comments! I hope you're all well. Please take care!
Have you ever been shocked? I was, when I was 8 or 9 or 10 - don't remember exactly - but I was helping my Dad paint the garage and I was responsible for taking the switch plates off the walls. That's when I got myself - the screw driver slipped right into the socket and gave me a jolt. I didn't realize what it was - when I did it again - I realized... I just got shocked (twice). I still can't describe the feeling exactly, a sudden rush of pain and lack of control that surges through the body but then goes away as quickly as it came.
THAT is what I've been experiencing. It's different from the electric shock feeling I get when I bend my neck forward. That one - and yes, I fear that feeling, that one just surges through one side of my body.
This feeling, it seems to be generating from my CORE - that's all I can think - Like a wire of energy surging out through my middle - but seems to be triggering more shock on my right side.
I went for a deep tissue massage today and it was really good - painful, but I felt like my shoulders were finally relaxing a bit. When I got home my husband, kids and step-kids had cleaned up the house and my husband was still vacuuming. I was so grateful. Then the vacuum broke. And Bill just kvetched the entire time, "I HATE THIS THING, I've always hated this thing..." yada, yada, yada. I was so calm, I told him I agreed, that Consumer Reports had the ratings for Vacuums in a recent issues, so I looked it up and said, "I'm going to go buy this one."
I was relaxed, I even gave the power nozzle, which is what broke, to Bill and said, 'Take it outside and beat the crap out of it, it will make you feel better." Then I had my step-son take the rest of the vacuum down to our basement so we can still use the working parts down there.
Then I left for the mall. I knew what I wanted, I knew where to go. I got into the store and I got so dizzy I thought I was going to pass out.
I had that same "tight" feeling I used to get in the base of my head, top of my neck that made me feel if I gave into it my head would fall off (I know - very strange, but I can't find another way to describe it). Only this time, the tight feeling was throughout my body, in my legs, my head, my neck, my arms, right more than left. And the more I walked, the dizzier I got. I even thought for a moment, ok - just let it take you and there are enough people here that someone would call someone, everything would be ok. But I didn't fall over, and I didn't pass out, and I just kept walking.
I even tried out the vacuum, and in my state thought the vacuum was heavy because I was feeling really weak (unfortunately, the vacuum IS heavy - but we own it now - so oh well - it sucks great though!).
I had enough distractions, that the weak, dizzy feeling was still there but not as strongly. I feel like my eyes are big and I probably look like a deer in headlights - like I'm trying to focus more. To others I probably look scared. I am.
I was dizzy getting in the car, dizzy driving... tried to concentrate while driving and I called my mom and told her it was still happening. "Go home and lie down."
Nope - I still had another task. I went to Lowe's and bought some Mums to plant in a container my folks gave us - I picked out beautiful purples and yellows with pink and purple tinges to them, and pink and while - just beautiful. Then I got home and planted them, cleaned spider webs from my front porch, hosed down my entire house, sweated, and made myself exhausted.
I went up to take a shower and the whole time I was in there I just felt like I was being shocked repeatedly. I started bawling and got out of the shower just ready to give up. I cried to my husband who said it was because I didn't drink enough water or that I had a big day. I didn't do anything too exerting. I tried to explain the feeling I had. I told him I felt like I have a rod going down the middle of my body just shocking the crap out of me. Then I said, "I do, it's my central nervous system."
I see my neuro this Wednesday and I really can't wait. I don't know what she'll say or what information I'll gather. I just hope she has some info. Also, I have to tell her I've only taken my shot 3 times this week... I'll take it tonight, but that will mean that I skipped 3 days this week. That's the most I've ever skipped in a week. SIGH.
So... I don't know why I posted all of this. I feel good being able to put some kind of description with what I'm going through... just wish sharing it made it go away.
Thank you for all of your great supportive comments! I hope you're all well. Please take care!
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